Everyone To Be Fitted With A Zip

EVERYONE is to be fitted with a zip as part of Gordon Brown’s plan to nationalise Britain’s kidneys.

The zip will run across the middle of the abdomen to allow for the quick and easy removal of major organs and body parts – all of which will become the property of the Cabinet Office from next April.

Harvested organs will be given to Labour Party donors or used to make pies for the TUC conference.

Under the government’s plans the police, parking wardens and the inland revenue will also be given the power to confiscate innards for minor misdemeanours, public order offences and late payment of tax.

Alan Johnson, the health secretary, said: “Remember that time on holiday in Turkey? When you got drunk and went off with the gorgeous looking girl who then turned out to be a bloke, but you thought ‘in for a penny’ so went for it anyway, and then woke up with a splitting headache, and a terrible pain in your side, and a really nasty looking wound and only one kidney? Well, it will be like that, but without the gay sex or the stitches.”

Johnson added: “Ride the train without a ticket and we’ll have your pancreas. Anything involving drunkenness or aggressive behaviour will cost you at least a couple of kidneys and if your tax isn't on time we’ll just attach a Dyson to you and suck the whole lot out in a oner.

“Officials will be given some training and maybe a diagram. They’ll also need a torch as some of the smaller ones will involve a bit of rummaging around.”

Consumers welcomed the move but said safeguards were necessary. Nikki Hollis, 26 from Reading, said: “We will need proper labeling. I wouldn’t want to get a kidney off a black, unless I was planning to enter a dancing competition.”

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Hain Unaware He Had Been Given A Bentley

PETER Hain, the work and pensions secretary, last night insisted he was too busy to notice that he had been given a £100,000 luxury supercar.

Mr Hain admitted the car had probably arrived during his failed bid for the Labour deputy leadership, adding that it handled magnificently.

He said: "I was so focused on my role as Northern Ireland secretary at the time that I would simply get out of bed and head off to work without noticing that I was behind the wheel of a brand new Bentley Continental GT. I thought it was just some kind of fancy bicycle.

"Still, I have to say, this is a serious motor. It goes like shit off a shovel and can remember my three favourite driving positions.  

"And oooooh, the leather. I could just sit there rubbing it all day."

According to Mr Hain's campaign records the car was donated by a little known left-wing think tank, the Progressive Policy Forum. The organisation was set up to conduct research into key areas of public policy and to give cars and money to senior Labour politicians.

In addition to Mr Hain's Bentley, the think tank donated a Mercedes S-Class to Hilary Benn and a top-of-the-range Volvo XC90 to communities secretary Hazel Blears.

Mrs Blears registered her car with the electoral commission along with the handwritten comment, 'You fuckin' beauty!'.