Fat People Eating Shitloads Of Soup

AS new research revealed that eating soup could help with weight loss, greedy, fat people across Britain have set about devouring shitloads of the stuff.

Soup companies say they are struggling to cope with demand, while fast food outlets are to provide extension cables so their wider customers have somewhere to plug in their hand blenders.

Bill McKay, 18 stone, from Doncaster, said: “I take two pepperoni pizzas, feed them into a garden shredder and then shovel the resulting pulp into a pot of hot beef stock.

“I find it goes very well with a slice of wholemeal bread, plus another eight slices of wholemeal bread, plus some butter, some more butter and some very thick slices of pork. And a chocolate eclair.”

Julian Cook, a 22 stone gourmand from Finsbury Park, said: “I heat two diverse but complementary fromages over a low flame for 20 minutes and then eat it very quickly with a spoon.

“Sometimes I’ll add a sprinkling of lardons, though admittedly that is more of a broth.”

He added: “And look at me now. I’ve lost almost four and a half ounces, though it has to be said, I did weigh myself when I wasn’t wearing my beret.”

Meanwhile Emma Bradford, 19 stone of unstoppable womanhood from Darlington, said: “I just dump a load of funsize Mars Bar into a soup bowl. It’s the same.”

But GP Dr Margaret Gerving was sceptical about the latest diet advice, adding: “How should I put this? Okay… big deep breath… here goes… EAT LESS FOOD AND DO MORE EXERCISE.

“Do not make me say it again, I am begging you.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Since the birth of my first child, I have developed a rather intimate and embarrassing problem, and I am too ashamed to visit the doctor. Before I fell pregnant I was vaguely aware that having a baby might have some physical side-effects, but it seems that squeezing out a head and shoulders has seriously knackered my flaps. I use to pride myself on my risqué collection of thongs and split-crotch panties. Nowadays you'll

usually find me hobbling around the feminine products in Morrisons with a large piss-sodden pad wedged under my clacker. All I want is for things to go back to the way they were before the birth. Can you help?

Dear Geraldine,
Once, in assembly, Mrs Gregory was telling us a parable from the Bible about the Prodigal Son. I think she was trying to tell us that you can be as naughty as you like and you'll never get in trouble with your mum and dad. Then suddenly all the kids at the front started screaming and jumping up and I could see on the floor was a big stream of yellow wee coming from Oliver French. We all got to go outside and have extra playtime instead of hearing more dubious advice from Mrs Gregory, and Oliver French was taken to the welfare office.

It sounds like you maybe have the same problem as Oliver French, so try to get over your embarrassment and go and see the doctor as soon as possible. Otherwise, you might end up wearing brown lost property pants and sitting alone on the naughty bench until your mummy comes to fetch you.
Hope that helps!