THE punctuality of Britain's rail system is directly related to the number of people out of work and not getting the train anymore, it has been confirmed.
Network Rail said the financial crisis had pushed efficiency to an all-time high as unoccupied carriages rattle past ghostly, tumbleweed-strewn platforms without having to stop.
A spokesman said: "More than 90% of trains are now running on time and all because we're no longer heaving thousands of fat, greedy men back and forth to London Bridge.
"We would have had a perfect record, but last week some old grandmother wanted to go to Frinton via Colchester and fucked everything up. We begged her to take the bus."
Efficiency was also boosted after a programme of track improvements that should have been done 50 years ago led to a slight reduction in the number of trains skidding to a halt upside-down in a ditch.
Asked whether cost savings would be passed on to passengers, the spokesman said: "Sure, right after we clean the toilets. Next?"
Bill McKay, director of the Association of Rail Franchise Operators, said: "We are hoping to remove passengers from the business plan by 2014. In the interim we will have to implement gradual increases in the cost of a season ticket right up to the point where it would actually make more sense to stop bothering us and just buy your own train."
Passenger spokesman Julian Cook said: "Most trains are doing what they're supposed to do. Well done. Now can you please stop charging me two bastarding quid for a can of Coke? And as for Richard Branson, I'd do time for that shitheel."