Female things, nonsense and getting a bit overheated: women's health issues, defined by a man

WOMEN are forever harping on about their mysterious health issues. Here I, a middle-aged man, attempt to explain them:

Hormonal mood swings

A myth if you ask me. A convenient excuse for them losing their temper, and one I’m never allowed to use.


Also known by it’s medical term: the time of the month. I don’t need to know how it works, and I don’t need to. They know where to buy their bits and pieces – one tampon per cycle, right?


Apparently a nightmare, but they would say that. Pretty sure I had it last year. Took a paracetamol and got on with it.

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

A female thing. Sounds a bit of a faff but there’ll be a cream or something to get rid of it. If it was that serious and debilitating doctors would have found a way to cure it.

Urinary tract infection

Toilet trouble. We’ve all had stingy wee after a full day in the sun drinking nothing but Guinness. It’s that, I think.

Bacterial vaginosis

No. None of my business. That’s too much for me, sorry.

Cervical smear test

Run of the mill test. Absolutely standard, nothing intrusive or awkward about it. However, did I ever tell you about the harrowing, near-death experience that was the one time I had to have a prostate exam?


Ask your mother. Something that comes with age, and seems a bit irrational. When she wants the windows open to cool her down it’s a ‘biological need’, but when I want to buy a Mazda MX-5 I have to ‘get a grip’. Hardly fair, is it?

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London man called 'my darling' in shops convinced every woman in North wants to f**k him

A LONDON man who made a rare venture up North has come away believing that every female shop assistant, ticket inspector and receptionist wants to sleep with him.

Tom Logan visited Leeds for a sales conference and was shocked and excited by the amorous language with which the majority of women addressed him.

Logan said: “I thought London was supposed to be a den of iniquity, but you should hear the way the women talk up North.

“I was called darling, love, dear and pet after just a couple of minutes of talking to someone at a checkout or reception desk. One even called me ‘duck’, which must be some kinky code word for something, right?

“And these weren’t just young ladies, some of them were in their 50s and 60s. Basically flinging themselves at me. I was in Sainsburys, for God’s sake, not Ann Summers.

“In the end, after the woman who knocked on the door of my hotel room to change the towels called me ‘sweetheart’, I just dropped my trousers and told her she could have me here and now if she wanted.

“She called security and I got kicked out. Talk about mixed messages.”