Fitness 'a nightmare that never ends'

IF you want to be fit you have to keep doing exercise forever, it has emerged.

Healthy eating and sport have been condemned as a scam after it was revealed that they only lead to more healthy eating and more sport.

Carolyn Ryan of Cardiff said: “After two months of going to the gym I asked my personal trainer when I’d be fit enough to stop all this and eat the fuck out of some pies.

“The look on her face. She said that if I relaxed my diet regime even for a week then the fat would pile on again even faster than before, and if anything I should be stepping it up.

“I thought it’d be like A-levels where once you’ve passed you never think about history ever again, but it’s more like revising history five nights a week for the rest of your life.

“She says after a while I won’t even want a Toblerone any more. That made me cry.”

Personal trainer Donna Sheridan said: “Getting healthy isn’t a sprint, it’s an endless marathon through featureless terrain pretending that chips and sitting around watching telly don’t exist.

“However I do have the warm glow of knowing that I’m better than everyone else.

“Unless they’re right and I’m the moron. Which I occasionally think, but I get that out of my system with a nice eight-mile run.”

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Colour of dress depends on whether you are secretly racist

SOME people see this dress as white and gold because they have hidden racist opinions, it has emerged.

Experts at the Institute for Studies found that people’s reaction to the ‘dress meme’ depended on whether they subconsciously thought white was a superior colour.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We showed the picture to members of far-right political parties and they were adamant in their belief that it is predominantly white, or as they put it ‘pure’.

“More intelligent, less racist people like myself see it and black and blue.”

World leaders confirmed that the dress meme was a global experiment to weed out bad people.

Barack Obama said: “The ‘white and gold’ people are prejudiced on a deep, irredeemable level which means they will soon be sent to live on remote islands, deprived of technology, where they can do no harm.

“I know you all thought it was just a bit of fun to help pass the time at work, but your answers have been logged and will determine the pattern of your lives.

“Sorry for not making that clearer at the time.”