SUMMER’S here and what better way to make the most of the glorious outdoors than by sneezing uncontrollably while you eat overpriced brie out of a bag?
Here are five beautiful picnic spots to completely ruin by strewing with sticky Kleenex.
Londoners love nothing more than the peace and quiet that can be found on the only 10 square inches of available green space left at Hyde Park by the time they get their arses into gear on a sunny day. The capital’s signature pollution adds dark, earthy tones to your mucus.
The Lake District
Wordsworth, Coleridge and Beatrix Potter were inspired by the spectacular scenery of the Lakes, proving none of them were hay fever sufferers or they’d fucked off, sharpish. Though perhaps Coleridge only did all that opium because antihistamines had yet to be invented.
Peak District National Park
Peak District, peak nasal congestion, peak misery. All that fresh air whipping through the valleys and you can’t breathe any of it. Bollocks to nature.
Dartmoor National Park
It’s so easy to lose yourself on the wild and beautiful Devon moors. Luckily, the trail of nose gunk you leave in your wake will help you remember where you parked.
The New Forest
Seriously, fucking tree pollen? Rumoured to be haunted by a red-eyed, shrieking ghost which can only be warded off with a box of Benadryl.