Five perfect picnic spots to trigger the f**k out of your hay fever

SUMMER’S here and what better way to make the most of the glorious outdoors than by  sneezing uncontrollably while you eat overpriced brie out of a bag? 

Here are five beautiful picnic spots to completely ruin by strewing with sticky Kleenex.

Hyde Park 

Londoners love nothing more than the peace and quiet that can be found on the only 10 square inches of available green space left at Hyde Park by the time they get their arses into gear on a sunny day. The capital’s signature pollution adds dark, earthy tones to your mucus.

The Lake District

Wordsworth, Coleridge and Beatrix Potter were inspired by the spectacular scenery of the Lakes, proving none of them were hay fever sufferers or they’d fucked off, sharpish. Though perhaps Coleridge only did all that opium because antihistamines had yet to be invented.

Peak District National Park 

Peak District, peak nasal congestion, peak misery. All that fresh air whipping through the valleys and you can’t breathe any of it. Bollocks to nature.

Dartmoor National Park 

It’s so easy to lose yourself on the wild and beautiful Devon moors. Luckily, the trail of nose gunk you leave in your wake will help you remember where you parked.

The New Forest 

Seriously, fucking tree pollen? Rumoured to be haunted by a red-eyed, shrieking ghost which can only be warded off with a box of Benadryl.

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Woman who makes pouty face has no idea she looks like an idiot

A WOMAN who has pulled the same pouty face in every mirror and photograph for the last 14 years has no idea she looks idiotic. 

Nikki Hollis, aged 28, admitted she has greeted every camera and reflective surface since 2004 with a tilted head, raised eyebrows and an exaggerated pout ‘because it looks good’.

She said: “I’m really happy with the way I look. I’ve got this cute, coquettish thing going on all the time.

“I honestly don’t think I’ve changed since I was a teenager, when I first noticed I looked very similar to a photo of Holly Valance I had on my bedroom mirror and copied all the time.

“It’s all just completely normal and sensible.”