Night out dangerously close to happening

A MAN who accidentally agreed to a night out with friends is terrifyingly close to having to actually go through with it, he has confessed. 

Tom Logan, aged 25, met up with old university pal Julian Cook last week and agreed to go out this weekend only for Cook to treat the suggestion as if it was serious.

Logan said: “How has it come to this?

“We met for coffee, and remembered the mad nights we’d go on when we were freshers, and how much fun it would be to do that again, but surely he knew I didn’t mean a word of it.

“Instead he disingenously asked ‘if I was free Saturday’ and ever since he’s been contacting other people and roping them in, doing frighteningly binding things like reserving tables and booking minibuses and texting me every detail as if we were planning it together.

“How has he never realised that plans you make with acquaintances are just for politeness, not to be followed through?”

“I’m scared. I’m not actually doing anything on Saturday night, obviously, so I might have not only have to go out but pretend I enjoy it.

“Oh God, what if he makes me go to a nightclub. I’m not ready for this. I’m only 25.”

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Is this a hangover or have you actually died and gone to hell?

YOU drank too much last night. That goes without saying. But was that the sun coming up you remember, or was that radiance the eternal inferno of the underworld? 

When you woke and crawled to the kitchen to chug two pints of water, what did you see?

A. Nothing. Just the kitchen. And my prick of a neighbour mowing his lawn which is perfect when you’ve got a throbbing head.

B. The kitchen, but somehow not? As if it was lit by distant orange flames, and the gurgle of water seemed to say ‘you are damned’ over and over again? Also your prick of a neighbour was mowing his lawn.

When you lay down heavily on the couch to watch The Simpsons, what happened?

A. Nothing untoward. I mean it wasn’t a good early one or anything, but you coped.

B. Something was up with the TV’s colour balance, because it was all tinted red? And the title sequence was the whole family falling into hell and being graphically tortured, which seemed unfamiliar. And it was that terrible Wife Swap episode with Ricky Gervais.

When you summed up the courage to check your phone, what messages had you received?

A. None. Which is honestly more worrying than loads. Whatever you did must have been really, really bad.

B. A torrent of messages, many from unfamiliar numbers or people you had thought were dead, detailing what a loathsome worm you are and how badly you’ve hurt those you care about.

What does the sky look like outside?

A. No way are you opening the curtains, not with this head.

B. No way are you opening the curtains, but there’s this sort of.. evil light coming through the gap? And you can hear constant screaming. Not happy screaming.


Mostly As

You are still alive, which on the one hand means at some stage you’ll need to leave the house for Lucozade and a massive bag of Doritos, but you will be able to have another drink later.

Mostly Bs

You are dead. Welcome to Hell.