AFTER a few sleepless nights, there’s nothing more annoying than your partner thinking she’s more sleep-deprived than you. It’s not a competition, but here’s how to prove she’s definitely wrong and you’ve won.
Display a lack of concentration
Wander around forgetting to do things and pathetically asking your partner to repeat everything. Blame this annoying practice on lack of sleep. Your smartarse partner might reply that you must be sleep-deprived all the time then. Obviously you’d normally think of a brilliant comeback, but you’re too exhausted right now.
Recount night-time astronomical events
Ask your partner if she saw the meteor shower at 4am this morning. She’ll say no and you’ll have the upper hand. At least until she googles it, discovers there was no such shower, and realises you were sound asleep dreaming about Scarlett Johansson who strangely had webbed fingers and toes, which was hardly a deal-breaker.
Try acting highly erratically to prove your point – attempt to set off for work in pyjamas carrying the kids’ hamster. A bit over-the-top, and you don’t want the embarrassment of explaining you were just trying to outdo your wife to the local community mental health team. Better to try sleepwalking, but don’t just go to the fridge and make a Scooby-Doo sandwich at 3am. At least go into the garden and rub soil on your slippers.
Complain about nocturnal noises
Drone on about every nighttime noise you think you might have heard, like milk being delivered, cars speeding past, and that deafening police helicopter. This really shows you’ve been suffering, unless your partner says, ‘I’m surprised you could hear them over your own snoring.’
Necking stimulants will be a powerful blow in the sleep-deprivation one-upmanship battle. Eat coffee with a spoon and gobble handfuls of Pro Plus. You won’t feel too clever when you’ve knackered your sleep patterns and are getting caffeine palpations, but you will win the sleep deprivation contest for many nights to come.