FOOD manufacturers will be forced to replace salt with food that tastes of things, it emerged last night.
The Food Standards Agency is to impose tough new targets on producers, who are now desperately searching for ingredients that vaguely resemble the photo on the packet.
A report found that one brand of breakfast cereal was made entirely of salt crystals dusted with wood chips, while local authorities have been advised to clear icy roads this winter by chucking around a load of Marks and Spencer's sandwiches.
But the manufacturers insist that, contrary to popular belief, unsalted food products taste absolutely disgusting.
Tom Logan, chief executive of Working Class Food Pellets Ltd, said: "You try and make a vat of turkey entrails coated in reconstituted breadcrumbs not taste like what it actually is. Go on, I'll time you."
A British Heart Foundation spokeswoman said: "Salt poses a real risk of increased heart disease along with red meat, alcohol, tobacco, saturated fats, dairy products, free money and sex."
She added: "You don't want to know what I found out about potatoes the other day. Do you know something, I actually spend much of my time sobbing uncontrollably at my desk. We're all going to die. Do you realise that? We're all going to die."
Meanwhile Wayne Hayes, a lorry driver from Knutsford, said: "I like the way things taste, so if everything tastes of salt then, personally, I'll just keep eating salt."