Food Companies Forced To Replace Salt With Flavour

FOOD manufacturers will be forced to replace salt with food that tastes of things, it emerged last night.

The Food Standards Agency is to impose tough new targets on producers, who are now desperately searching for ingredients that vaguely resemble the photo on the packet.

A report found that one brand of breakfast cereal was made entirely of salt crystals dusted with wood chips, while local authorities have been advised to clear icy roads this winter by chucking around a load of Marks and Spencer's sandwiches.

But the manufacturers insist that, contrary to popular belief, unsalted food products taste absolutely disgusting.

Tom Logan, chief executive of Working Class Food Pellets Ltd, said: "You try and make a vat of turkey entrails coated in reconstituted breadcrumbs not taste like what it actually is. Go on, I'll time you."

A British Heart Foundation spokeswoman said: "Salt poses a real risk of increased heart disease along with red meat, alcohol, tobacco, saturated fats, dairy products, free money and sex."

She added: "You don't want to know what I found out about potatoes the other day. Do you know something, I actually spend much of my time sobbing uncontrollably at my desk. We're all going to die. Do you realise that? We're all going to die."

Meanwhile Wayne Hayes, a lorry driver from Knutsford, said: "I like the way things taste, so if everything tastes of salt then, personally, I'll just keep eating salt."

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Neglected Bankers Plot Spider Attack On Blind Kids

BANKERS are planning to post every blind child in the UK a poisonous tropical spider in a bid to reclaim their position as Britain's purest form of scum.

In recent weeks the banking industry has watched helplessly as MPs took their place in the nation's hearts as the group they would most like to string up from a lamp-post or a sturdy local tree.

But now, under a plan entitled Taking It To the Next Level, bankers have plotted a sustained campaign which they insist will underline their status as the country's foremost purveyors of utter bastardry.

The spider plan, to be launched next week, will see the distribution of thousands of cat-sized arachnids, specially trained to scurry straight up a child's arm and bite it on the face.

The spiders will be sent out in pleasantly-textured boxes with the words 'chocolate buttons' written on the front in Braille.

A spokesman for Lloyds TSB said: "You, the snivelling public, with your obsession with trifling political sleaze and vibrating chairs, had almost forgotten us hadn't you? Big, fat, fucking mistake.

"By the time we're finished with you, destroying your pensions and drowning the nation in debt will seem like a quaint, 1950s tea dance."

He added: "I just wish we could be there when they open the box."