MPs Begin Desperate Hunt For Loopholes

A NEW system of MPs' allowances was outlined by Gordon Brown last night as shamed members of parliament immediately began scouring it for scams and loopholes.

After 10 days of shocking revelations which have left them chastened but still unbelievably greedy and corrupt, MPs from across the House of Commons brought in specialists to examine the fine print of the new system on a 'no-win, no-fee' basis.

Scam consultant, Julian Cook, said: "Cleaning will now be reclassified as 'secretarial services', so they just have to ask their cleaner to lick a few stamps while she's hoovering the moat.

"They can still claim for computer equipment which means that television sets are now 46-inch, high-definition LCD 'monitors' that just happen to have a built-in Freeview tuner.

"They can't claim for furniture but they can claim for food, so what they'll need to do is place a Kraft cheese single on a vibrating chair and put it through as an open sandwich."

He added: "And of course, with an upper limit of £1,250 a month in mortgage interest payments, they will still be able to buy a house worth at least £300,000 using your money. Ha ha ha – what a bunch of absolute shits."

But officials say the new system will end the controversial practice of 'fucking', where an MP buys a house and then uses it to 'fuck' the taxpayer into the middle of next week.

The prime minister was forced to act on a momentous day that saw Britain plunged into a constitutional crisis following the resignation of the old man who shouts at everyone in that big wooden room you see on the news a couple of times a week.

Unveiling the reforms, Mr Brown insisted the House of Commons could no longer operate as a '19th century gentlemen's club' filled with ghastly people like Harriet Harman and Hazel Blears.

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Freak Show Forced To Defend Footage Of Freak

ITV freak show Britain Must Be Stopped last night defended its decision to show footage of an insane, dancing freak.

Viewers complained that Neil Horan, a former Catholic priest, was just that bit too freaky to be shown before 9pm on a Saturday night.

But producer Wayne Hayes said: "If we turned away every babbling social reject with a criminal record, the auditions would be over in about 90 seconds.

"Have a look at that queue and then tell me it's not an out-take from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest."

He added: "The whole point of Britain Must Be Stopped is to line up as many freaks as possible and then jab at them with a pole until they do something weird.

"If people are going to start complaining that one of the freaks is too freaky we may as well pack up and go home."

Freak-wrangler Simon Cowell said: "Mr Horan may be a tad unhinged, but to be perfectly honest I'd rather be trapped in a lift with him than Amanda Holden.

"Last week I walked into her dressing room and caught her swallowing a live rat."

A spokesman for the Catholic Church in Ireland said: "Mr Horan was too much of a flipped-out, freaky weirdo, even for us, so it's only natural that his next stop would be a British television programme."