Labour Chief Whip Defends Pet Cheetah

NICK Brown, the Labour chief whip, has defended his £19,000 food bill, insisting it is not cheap to feed a pet cheetah these days.

Mr Brown said the bill, paid for out of the public purse over four years, reflected the needs of a modern, hard-working MP and his big, fast cat.

He added: "A typical week involves eight legs of lamb, two boxes of fish fingers, a selection of family sized trifles and a case of Jacob's Creek. And the cheetah needs a whole cow."

Mr Brown, who purchased the animal in 2003 using the controversial Additional Cheetah Allowance, said: "This is my second cheetah. As a government minister I have to designate my small, London cheetah as my main cheetah.

"I work long hours in the House of Commons and then I go back to Newcastle at the weekends to meet with my constituents and make sure my second cheetah gets plenty of exercise.

"And by the way, you've really got to see this thing chase down a frightened jogger. Christ on a fucking bike."

As the Daily Telegraph's expenses saga enters the dangerous animals phase, House of Commons Speaker Michael Martin once again refused to resign and warned angry backbenchers that if they did not co-operate they would have to answer to his baboons.

Meanwhile Mr Brown said he would not be paying the money back but promised he would deliver a saving to the taxpayer by eating the cheetah when it died of old age.

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Are Britain's 12 Year-Olds Firing Blanks?

A MULTI-MILLION pound campaign is being launched today in a bid to boost the flagging virility of Britain's 12 year-old boys.

The move follows nationwide disappointment after it emerged that Eastbourne schoolboy Alfie Patten had failed to impregnate his local teenage skank.

Now experts are warning that Britain's 12 year-olds will have to cut down on their drinking and smoking if they are to have any hope of becoming a father before their 13th birthday.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "I'd recommend no more than two cigars a day and a weekly ration of 12 pints of strong German lager or one bottle of sherry."

The campaign mascot is 'Spunky', a hip, happening, 12 year-old sperm who is into skateboards, dinosaurs and Pepsi Max.

Boys who sign up to the campaign will receive a badge and a comic as well as a weekly email from Spunky including a masturbation timetable and handy hints about how to boost their reproductive potency.

Professor Brubaker added: "Perhaps the X-Box people could develop a game specifically for 12 year-olds that involves guiding a single sperm towards an egg and along the way they have to eat special pills made from Brazil nuts and cottage cheese."

Meanwhile Alfie Patten is understood to be relieved the daughter he was alleged to have fathered is not his as it now means he will be able to have sex with it in about 15 years time.