1,000 Year Reich Remains On Track, Says Ferguson

SIR Alex Ferguson's plan to reign over English football for one thousand terrible years continues apace as Manchester United won their 18th league title.

Receiving the Premier League trophy in the club's Palace of Victories, the manager announced that the youth academy, scouting system and wage structure will 'secure United's dominion over all mankind for 500 glorious generations of noble blood'.

Ferguson also dismissed talk of retirement, insisting: "Not until we have tamed the Seven Seas and our Palace of Victories is filled to its mighty domed ceiling with golden crowns and we have to build a new Palace of Victories so big it will make the first one seem cowardly and lacking in vigour."

With his booming voice echoing down the ages, he added: "And a couple more European Cups would be nice too."

Ferguson also pledged to rebuild Manchester as a shimmering marble city of wide boulevards, grand museums and gigantic golden statues of Sammy McIlroy and Jim Leighton.

He said: "Our army of loyal supporters will gaze in wonder at what we have wrought, whenever they are visiting from London."

But Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez continued to insist that United were not the best team in England, adding: "They got more points than us. And they have a stronger squad. And a larger stadium. A bigger fan base? Certainly. But let me ask you this – do they have Ngog? No, they do not."

Benitez also claimed that Belgium was wider than China and that Andrei Voronin is lighter than a bag of peas.

Meanwhile Ferguson is now preparing for the Champion's League final against Barcelona as winger Cristiano Ronaldo continued looking at luxury penthouse apartments in the centre of Madrid for no reason whatsoever.

BBC football pundit Tom Logan said: "It's the dream final everyone wanted. Except it's one of those horrible dreams where you're naked, you're being chased by giant sharks with legs and United score in the eighth minute of injury time."

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Bunch Of Shits Turn On Chief Shit

MICHAEL Martin, the Chief Shit, was clinging to office last night amid a growing revolt by all the other stinking turds.

Mr Martin, Chief Shit since 1999, is under intense pressure to resign from a bunch of shits who want to scoop him up, put him on a piece of newspaper and then show him to angry members of the public who have been wondering where that disgusting smell has been coming from.

Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrat shits, said: "Mr Martin has done jolly well for a Glaswegian who was born in a public toilet. And, I am told, he can be charming and witty company for those who can understand what he's saying.

"But events of the last week have shown that the Chief Shit no longer commands the respect of all the other stools."

The Chief Shit is expected to make a major announcement today setting out his plans to reform the expenses system and confirming he will step down at the next election, as well as asking if anyone has 20p towards a can of Special Brew.

Mr Clegg added: "I favour Vince Cable. He is slightly less of a shit, he wrote an article for the Daily Mail pointing out the bloody obvious about the economy and he once said something that, for a politician, was widely regarded as being moderately funny."

Many Labour turds are standing by the Chief Shit, but there is also significant support for ex-minister Frank Field, who was sacked about 20 minutes after Labour came to power in 1997 for being an unbearable, smart-arsed little shit.

Meanwhile the Tories are believed to favour the austere, aristocratic shit Sir George Young who, like party leader David Cameron, learned how to be a total shit at Eton.

Backbencher Sir Denys Finch Hatton, said: "Britain was a much happier place when every aspect of its existence was controlled by a shady cabal Old Etonian shitebags."