MPs Call For Ban On Huge, Irresistible Televisions

MPs from all parties last night demanded a ban on the gigantic, irresistible, state of the art television sets at the root of the House of Commons expenses scandal.

As politicians attempted to rebuild their shattered reputations, they said it was no coincidence the expenses system began to spiral out of control shortly after the introduction of the first widescreen LCD TV with Dolby digital surround sound.

Veteran Labour backbencher Sir Gerald Kauffman, said: "Cynical manufacturers are making these exquisite televisions as expensive as they possibly can, knowing full well that it simply makes them even more attractive to vulnerable MPs.

"Within a few years of the first flat screen models they started developing things like high-definition and built-in Freeview tuners. For an MP, that's like adding crack cocaine to a bottle of chocolate heroin."

A committee of senior members from across the House is now drafting emergency legislation that will make it illegal to import a television larger than 19 inches, while the government is urging Japan, Germany and South Korea to convert their television factories into strawberry farms.

Mr Kauffman, who somehow managed to spend more than £8000 on one television set, added: "And of course one cannot be expected to watch a 50 inch, wall-mounted Bang and Olufsen in an old battered chair that sits atop a cheap, grubby-looking, non-Harrods rug. That would be an insult to the television."

Angus Robertson, the SNP leader at Westminster, said he was forced to spend £1100 on a beautifully engineered high-definition television so that he could 'watch political programmes as the director intended'.

He said: "The cinematography on the Politics Show is simply breathtaking. It makes Lawrence of Arabia look like some piece-of-shit wedding video made by a four year-old dog."

Meanwhile Shahid Malik, the former home office minister, said the television culture had become so insidious that he was forced to record himself being interviewed, freeze frame his own face on a huge £2000 flat screen and then stare at it in the dark while sitting in a large, vibrating chair.

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am feeling depressed just now as I really hate my job. I've been working there for over 2 years but I've never really enjoyed it, and my colleagues are all back-stabbing arseholes. Recently, I've found myself calling in sick on a regular basis, taking solace in masturbating on the couch to Jeremy Kyle and eating entire multi-packs of crisps before 3pm. The thought of going back to work the next day makes me almost suicidal. I can't bear it any longer! Can you help?


Dear Alice,

I'm sorry to hear you feel so sad just now. Lots of us experience a similar feeling at some point, but you need to remind yourself it's only a temporary thing. Last year I wanted to stay off school because Shaun Wilson farted on my head in front of everyone when I was putting my shoes back on after PE. The next day I told my mummy that I was too sick too go to school, but she didn't believe me because I didn't have a temperature. I had to use her purple eye-shadow to fabricate a convincing rash on my tummy before she would take me seriously. For some reason, the rash made mummy start to shake and cry and we had to go to the hospital. The good news is that I got the rest of the day off school and the doctor gave me a lollipop for being so brave. You're lucky because your mummy is probably dead and you don't have to concoct elaborate ruses to convince her you need to stay in bed. So my advice is to stop moaning and count your blessings – and be thankful you don't have to sit next to Shaun Wilson for the rest of the summer term.

Hope that helps!