Mumbai Council Urged To Bulldoze Christian Bale's House

MUMBAI City Council was last night urged to switch the focus of its film star bulldozing programme to Batman's Christian Bale.

As workmen flattened the home of the young Slumdog Millionaire actor Azharuddin Mohammed Ismail, film fans were already working out how many bulldozers would be needed to destroy Bale's Los Angeles mansion.

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "Slumdog Millionaire wasn't that great but I wouldn't necessarily thrash someone with a bamboo cane and then bulldoze their house because of it.

"Now Christian Bale on the other hand is a miserable, charmless prick who could certainly do with having 25 tonnes of heavy machinery crashing violently into his open plan kitchen-dining room.

"I'd imagine that would make him shout and swear quite a lot; but of course the Mumbai Council workers will all be wearing their standard issue ear protectors in accordance with health and safety regulations thereby rendering impotent his pathetic and embarrassing rage."

Logan added: "I can just imagine him screaming 'what the fuck are you fucking doing to my fucking house you fucking assholes' in that weird mid-Atlantic accent of his while the demolition crew give him a big smile and a friendly wave before taking a dirty great sledgehammer to his downstairs bog."

Logan has emailed a bulldozing list to the mayor of Mumbai, including Daniel Day Lewis, Adam Sandler, Richard Curtis and 'every last fucker who was in any way involved in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull'.

Meanwhile Slumdog director Danny Boyle has again denied that Ismail had been exploited but admitted he probably should have paid him just enough to buy a new stinking hovel.

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Question Time Audience Marches On London

THE audience from BBC1’s Question Time was marching on London last night, parading the severed head of housing minister Margaret Beckett on a pike, like some kind of ghoulish mascot.

Amid growing signs that things might be about to kick off, the audience spilled out of the Grimsby Institute at 11.20pm and immediately headed for Market Rasen via the A46.

They then carried on for about 15 miles before taking the Lincoln bypass and finally joining up with the A1 just south of Newark.

Earlier they had stormed the stage, grabbing presenter David Dimbleby and locking him in the ladies’ toilet before beheading Mrs Beckett and firing senior Tory MP Teresa May through a stained glass window using a makeshift catapult.

Their fellow panellist, the former Lib Dem leader Sir Menzies Campbell, has been stripped naked and is being transported to London in a tiny cage made from bamboo.

As of 8am this morning the Question Time audience had stopped at a service station near Biggleswade for refreshments, a toilet break and a chance to wipe some of the gunk from Mrs Beckett’s head.

The audience is being led by Grimsby loud-mouth Roy Hobbs, mainly because it’s his pike.

Mr Hobbs said: “I went to the trouble of bringing a pike to Question Time so I think it’s only fair. And obviously when we get to London they are going to want to talk to whoever’s carrying the severed head.”