Pope Backs Plan To Piss Off Jesus-Killers

POPE Benedict rounded off his historic visit to the Holy Land yesterday by seizing an opportunity to stick it to the Christ-murderers.

Backing calls for a Palestinian state, the Pontiff said the Jews 'shouldn't even be here in the first place', claiming a previous German government had come up with a 'perfectly sensible plan to send them all to Madagascar'.

Mr Pope told Palestinian leaders in Jerusalem: "The Christian presence here diminishes yearly, despite us having the biggest god with the best super-powers. But this West Bank stuff is a lot of horseshit, if you'll pardon my Latin.

"It is iniquitous that people should be forced, in their own homeland, into heavily-guarded ghettos and denied their basic human…ah, right, fair enough, ignore that bit."

He added: "Anyway, the point I'm making is they deny the Christ. Then again, so do you, but at least you have no truck with poovery."

The Pontiff said Judaism had benefited too long from friendly media coverage, insisting: "They got fantastic press for the Marx Brothers, Irving Berlin and Schindler's List and what do we get? Dan Brown, the St Winifred's School Choir and Nuns On The Run.

"They kill Jesus and then invent both communism and Lesley Joseph and everyone loves them. We ignore the odd holocaust, molest the odd child and all of a sudden we're the bad guys. I'm fucking sick of it."

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Ryanair Urged To Seek Professional Help

LOW-COST airline Ryanair was last night urged to seek professional help.

As the Irish-based carrier unveiled plans to penalise customers £40 for choosing to fly with them, mental health experts said it was now vital that friends of the company stage an immediate intervention.

In a statement released yesterday Ryanair chief executive Michael O'Leary said: "Cock-a-doodle-do! Everyone pay attention. These are my new rules.

"You will print out your own boarding pass and pay me for the privilege of doing so. If you do not have a printer you will pay me £40 for not having one and you will then wear a paper hat that I will make for you. The hat will cost £40.

"You will complete a quest. Probably involving a rare gemstone. You will bring me the gemstone wrapped inside a cheque for £40.

"Luggage is a sin and you will be punished for it. Therefore your holiday will last no longer than 14 minutes. If it does I will kidnap your goldfish and charge you £40 a leg to get it back."

A spokesman for the British Psychiatric Institute said: "Ryanair is no longer something to be hated, it is something to be pitied. It's as if Mr O'Leary has suffered some kind of severe mental trauma. Perhaps he has finally flown on one of his own planes.

"He needs to be sedated, isolated and subjected to a twice-daily programme of powerful electric shocks. If that doesn't work we will have to carve out a hefty chunk of his frontal lobe.

"In the meantime we would urge other airlines to step in and start flying to Ryanair's destinations as soon as possible. For the love of God, please."