MP Becomes First Ever Person To Forget He Had Paid Off His Mortgage

LABOUR MP Elliot Morley was last night confirmed as the first person in the history of the world to forget he had paid off his mortgage.

The former minister admitted he had completely forgotten to stop claiming taxpayers' money for the mortgage he had paid off before forgetting which of his two houses he actually lived in most of the time.

Mortgage slaves across Britain were stunned at the sheer scale of Mr Morley's forgetfulness.

Martin Bishop, from Darlington, said: "Complete strangers will remember where they were and what they were doing when I pay off my mortgage. I fully intend for it to be this generation's Kennedy assassination."

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: "I'm going to get Earth Wind and Fire to play Boogie Wonderland so loud it explodes every window within a 12-mile radius while the Red Arrows do a flypast over my house. I will probably have to take out another mortgage but it'll be worth every penny."

And Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, added: "Remember when they attached millions of gigantic fireworks to the Eiffel Tower? I'll make that look like a fucking birthday cake."

Elliot Mortgage said last night: "Gosh, I am terribly forgetful aren't I? Perhaps I should eat more oily fish."

Forgetfulness expert Dr Margaret Gerving said: "As a former agriculture minister he may have spent a bit too much time with farmers. They're always forgetting how rich they are and then claiming thousands of pounds from people much worse off than them."

Mr Morley will today attend a brief ceremony at the London office of the Guinness Book of World Records after which he is expected to hand himself in to the police.

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One Woman's Week: I-D-I!

By Karen Fenessey

WHAT would you do if your parents knew exactly what your willy or vagina looked like? Sadly, this is a scenario all too familiar to my boyfriend Donny: he's suffered a terrifying campaign by his psycho ex-girlfriend, who has taken it upon herself to email harshly lit pictures of his penis and accoutrements to everyone he knows. It's for this reason alone that I welcome the introduction of ID cards, which with any luck will allow us to track down and put a stop to such deranged, fat-ankled bitches.

This all kicked-off because the ex, Laura, only just learned that Donny and I got together before they had officially broken up. Hey, I'm not proud to be a home-wrecker but if Laura wanted to keep her man interested, she should have put more time into attending step class and less time into being a dullard marketing consultant. Perhaps if she'd had the stamina to gain an honours degree like the one I've got, she could have had a proper job and Donny would have respected and feared her as he does me.   

But now everyone we know is privy to Donny's most intimate section. I've tried to console him the best I can, pointing out that while the photo is far from professionally shot, his penis actually looks clean and his balls are really quite large and not at all dangly like they can sometimes appear.

The bonus in all of this is that Laura lives in Manchester, so it's only a matter of time until she gets her ID card. And if she tries to skip town to avoid it, I won't rest until she is deported back again. I intend to make sure the authorities know about her acts of terrorism so they can brand her, for all eternity, as 'single and unhinged'. Let's see her try to get past customs on an 18-30 holiday with that hanging over her!

In the meantime, I took it upon myself to nudge the Manchester police in the right direction by some carefully worded announcements on Twitter such as, 'Laura has unnaturally long inner labia'. This way everyone will realise that she’s a total freak who probably drove Donny away with her big beef curtains flapping around in the breeze.

Donny has refrained from posting pictures of these monstrosities on Facebook which I think is a privilege she does not deserve,  considering even his own mother can no longer look him in  the face. Still, at least I can rest easy knowing that Jacqui Smith is on our side and it won't be long before Laura is tagged, chipped, subjected to a few rounds of police brutality and locked in a small, dank, windowless room as punishment for her hate crimes.