Librarians go like the clappers, say experts

QUIET, bespectacled female librarians really do go like a bloody train, it was confirmed last night.

According to researchers at the Institute for Studies, the tweed skirts and sensible glasses of intelligent, bookish women are nothing more than a flimsy facade concealing a smouldering volcano of hot, undiluted filth.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We have finally confirmed that women who look as if butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths could actually suck a tangerine through a keyhole.

“While a simple-minded shop girl is perfectly suited for a perfunctory knee-trembler behind some bins, if it’s eye-boggling three-way genital branding you’re after, get yourself along to a poetry recital.”

But Brubaker’s research has come under fire from his peers, who claim it was nothing more than a ruse allowing him to say dirty things to clever women.

Professor Julian Cook, of the Studying Institute, said: “He claims to be researching the link between intelligence and intimacy but the next thing we know he’s trooping female historians into his office and asking them if they’ve ever used a ball gag.”

Tom Logan, a sexual intercourse enthusiast from Finsbury Park, said: “Are you telling me that just because Anne Widdecombe’s got a degree in Latin that somehow makes her better at sex than Kelly Brook? I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that for a second.”

Brubaker defended his research methods, insisting: “It is perfectly valid to ask women what sort of freaky shit they got up to at Cambridge and whether or not they think I’m good looking.”

Astro-physicist Dr Nikki Hollis said: “I was slightly concerned when he asked me how long I could keep my ankles behind my ears. A quiet, bespectacled women like me is not used to hearing that kind of thing.

“And it’s 45 minutes, in case you were wondering.”

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Sorry Brown Gets Buck Naked

THE war of political apologies escalated last night as prime minister Gordon Brown pledged all his clothes to a charity shop and began wandering about in the buff.

In his latest pathetic attempt to regain the initiative, Mr Brown said if politicians were to rebuild trust he must remove his underpants and become the living embodiment of their shame.

The bidding started yesterday afternoon when dozens of absolutely minted Tory MPs agreed to pay back the piddling small change they had spent on animal turds and moat polish.

Mr Brown responded saying Labour MPs would pay back twice as much, before Tory leader David Cameron said his party would pay back twice as much again and let poor people use their swimming pools at weekends.

Mr Brown then insisted that Labour would match the Tories pound for pound, let poor people use their pools seven days a week and lay on a free bar, including big bags of Kettle Chips.

Within minutes of Mr Brown's announcement Mr Cameron upped the ante by stripping to the waist and scrawling the words 'I AM A GREEDY SHIT' on his chest before inviting a Macmillan nurse to hit him across the face with a cricket bat.

A day of high drama at Westminster ended shortly before 11pm last night as the prime minister held an impromptu press conference during which he removed all his clothes and stood silent and motionless with his hands on his hips as a single tear ran down one of the cheeks on his face.

Mr Cameron is now expected to tell his shadow cabinet to strip naked, get down on all fours and let unemployed people ride them around Trafalgar Square while thrashing their milky-white buttocks with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Telegraph.

Meanwhile, in a desperate bid to keep the story alive, the Telegraph is to reveal the supermarket receipts of random members of the public, starting tomorrow with you.

A spokesman said: "That's an awful lot of cucumbers for just one person, is it not?"