Grow A Pair, Men Advised

AS a study showed that 40% men are suffering from recession-based mental illness, a leading psychiatrist has advised them to stop whining like a bunch of three year-old girls.

Dr Roy Hobbs, a former pipe fitter, has published a new book entitled Man Up: It's a Recession, Not Ball Cancer, which teaches the value of 're-conceptualising feelings of inadequacy by drinking a case of Stella and shouting your way through Rocky IV'.

Dr Hobbs added: "My practice has dipped by 50% since the recession, but I didn't cry like a grandmother, I dealt with it by eating a steak the size of my head and starting a pub fight.

"A lot of my patients are former financiers who feel emasculated after catching their cocks in the revolving door of the London Stock Exchange.

"Through cognitive therapy sessions conducted at Wimbledon dog track, I counsel them that the Tuscan farmhouse they have now been forced to sell made them look like a total bender anyway."

Wayne Hayes, an ex-broker at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "I was really low after downsizing my Chelsea Harbour apartment to a bedsit in Loughton. But when Dr Hobbs showed me footage of some limbless orphans in Bangalore before nutting me squarely on the bridge of the nose, I soon realised that I had been acting like some kind of gay bitch."

The Royal College Of Psychiatrists has criticised Dr Hobbs's work, calling it 'knuckleheaded bullying masquerading as empowerment'.

But Dr Hobbs defended his methodology, adding: "My mate Alan's got a lock-up in Bermondsey, so if they want to have a chat about psychotherapeutic orthodoxies, just name the day and the time and I'll be there with two successful case studies and three foot of bike chain."

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Pretend Marriage On Made-Up Rocks

THE pretend marriage of Jordan, the pretend novelist, and Peter André, the pretend human, was last night on the completely made-up rocks.

Friends of the couple's management company say Jordan, the fictional name of Katie Price, is pretending to be devastated after André invented one of his made-up words without consulting her.

A spokesman for the friends said: "Peter came home in the early hours of Sunday morning, pretending to be stinking of booze and cheap, slutty eyeliner, but things really kicked-off the next morning when he told Katie that he was 'exackered'.

"Peter said it was a combination of 'exhausted' and 'knackered', but Katie was clearly pretending to be furious with him.

"Within seconds the management company had got involved, pointing out that this would be the perfect pretext for an acrimonious pretend break-up resulting in lots of very real money from the idiot readers of OK! magazine."

The spokesman added: "After having the word 'pretext' explained to them, they both agreed that it was probably a really good idea."

According to friends of the spokesman, Price has fled the country using her Jordan passport and will pretend to be heartbroken until her next pretend novel comes out.

A friend said: "It's such a shame that their obviously fictional love affair has ended in such a transparently false way. But it will all be great material for whoever it is that's been writing all her books."