Top Tory Claims For Drawbridge Wax

THE Tories last night proved they have still got it after it was revealed that a senior MP claimed more than £2000 for drawbridge wax and moat freshener.

According to the Daily Telegraph, Douglas Hogg, MP for West Hoggshire, used public money to maintain an authentically medieval lifestyle, including £150 a month to have his jousting kit dry-cleaned and £820 for a state-of-the-art German lance sharpener.

Mr Hogg, whose dad was called Quentin, said: "A drawbridge will start to squeak unless it is treated once a fortnight with three gallons of top quality Hungarian beeswax.

"If I am unable to raise my drawbridge then I face the very real possibility of working class people coming into my castle and striking up awkward, stilted conversations while furtively stuffing the pockets of their smelly duffel coats with great handfuls of the pheasant paté that they have so very kindly paid for."

The latest revelations show a stark contrast between the two main parties with Labour MPs claiming for nice things from John Lewis that their parents could never afford, while the Tories are focused on maintaining large volumes of water in their back gardens.

According to House of Commons records, 14 senior Tories claimed more than £20m for moats, lakes, pools and pool-related paraphernalia, including a retractable helipad and one of those inflatable chairs with the cup holder.

Meanwhile one Tory backbencher claimed more than £300 for eight tons of horse manure which he then tipped into his publicly funded swimming pool because he was 'a bit bored'.

But taxpayers were last night applauding the Tory extravagance for its aristocratic self-confidence and grandiose ambition.

Julian Cook, from Hatfield, said: "I'm relieved to see that after all these years the Tories can still put on a show. It is nothing less than a masterclass in taking the absolute piss.

"You've got these petty, lower-middle class Labour MPs watching their wide-screen television sets and putting plastic covers on their three-piece suites, but it takes the solid brass nuts of an old Tory to claim for moat-widening."

He added: "If we are going to be governed by utter scum, it should at least be scum with a bit of style."

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Darren Fletcher Accepts Actual Rules Of Football

AS his one match European ban was upheld, Darren Fletcher has accepted that the laws of football apply to him.

The Manchester United midfielder had insisted that he won the ball from Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas, even though his legs were wrapped around his opponent's like a scene from the homoerotic edition of the Kama Sutra.

He said last night: "UEFA insist that is a red card and a ban. Darren Fletcher, in his infinite grace and forgiveness, will therefore allow this to happen."

Man Utd coach Sir Alex Ferguson praised Fletcher's beatific calm at accepting the disciplinary measures set down in the long-established rules of the sport.

Insisting the Scottish international was setting a 'great example' he added: "If Barcelona score more goals than us in the final and UEFA decide to award them the trophy, then I suppose we will just have to accept that too.

"Or at least until we can hire some lawyers to have the rules changed."

Meanwhile the club's Argentine star Carlos Tevez has signalled his desire to leave at the end of the season. Ferguson has restricted Tevez's appearances in recent months, claiming that whenever he sees him charging down the wing, 'it's like one of those dirty great Orcs from Lord of the Rings coming at you in 3D'.

Tevez said: "The eight-bedroom mansion, the vast wages, the personal assistant cupping my balls when it's chilly – all of this says I am not welcome here."

He added that he will not even consider talks with the club until a 600ft statue of Sir Matt Busby giving birth to him has been erected in the car park of the Arndale Centre.