Former heroin addict sick of people asking him if it feels nice

A FORMER heroin addict has revealed that he is tired of people asking him what the drug feels like.

48-year-old Wayne Hayes has been clean for four years, but whenever he reveals his drug history people will eventually ask him what it felt like to take heroin.

He said: “It usually takes them two or three conversations with me but they inevitably ask. I say it felt awful, it took my home, my friends and my dignity.

“Then they say, ‘No, what did the actual heroin feel like?’

“I say it was like a nice warm bath. One that takes away your home, your friends and your dignity.

“Then they do a ‘sad face’ and run off to tell all their friends what heroin is like.”

Hayes’s work colleague Martin Bishop said: “Since watching Trainspotting on DVD I’ve always wondered what junk feels like, and getting Wayne to talk about it probably helps with his therapy or whatever.

“When I finally get him to spill the beans I always make a caring face and touch his shoulder, even though I’m quite excited.”

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Internet users warned against being really f**king gullible

THE best way to protect yourself from online fraud is by not being extremely gullible, according to experts.

After hackers stolen millions from Britons who would believe anything, ministers warned internet users to be on the look out for anything that is obviously incredibly dodgy.

A government spokesman said: “If someone you’ve never heard of sends you an email saying you’ve had some kind of refund, and all the punctuation is weird and there’s an attachment called ‘massivevirus.exe’, maybe just delete it.

“It’s like when people with weird names like ‘hotsexychica494’ pop up on Skype and offer to have sex with you. They are not real girls.

“It’s always best to ask yourself ‘is this thing obviously bollocks?’ If the answer is ‘yes’ then that thing is obviously bollocks.”

41-year-old Tom Logan said: “I clicked on an email attachment and now all my money is gone, but that’s probably just so they can invest it in diamond mines and return it to me days later with huge interest.

“It’s better to lose all your worldly possessions than to be too cynical.”