Hangovers now include terrifying existential dread, discover over-35s

ONCE you are over 35 hangovers become a bleak psychological prison of paranoia and depression, it has been confirmed.

Drinkers who used to bounce back from hangovers with relative ease have been shocked to discover a more malignant age-related version that threatens to crush their soul.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Instead of my usual hangover, I have a feeling which I can only describe as like being experimented on with CIA mind control drugs while the world comes to an end and demons in your head tell you you’re an arse.

“Eventually I realised it must be one of those terrible hangovers people have in their 30s – the ones that make them say ‘I can’t take the hangovers anymore’ and look wistful.

“I don’t know what was worse, the sense of misery and agitation that persisted all day, or the thought of staying in for the rest of my life watching Coast.”

Hangover specialist Dr Emma Bradford said: “Horrific psychological hangovers are nature’s way of stopping you having fun and making you take an interest in middle-aged pursuits like buying tubes of sealant.

“At present there is no cure, and there will never be a cure.”

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Slightly insane woman to compete with completely insane man

THE next president of America will be either partially or completely insane, it has been confirmed.

Hillary Clinton has been confirmed as Democratic presidential nominee, running against Republican Donald Trump in the race to the Whitehouse, leaving the global population wondering exactly what form their demise will take.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The sad fact of politics is that any person who desires to be in charge of a whole country is by definition an insane megalomaniac and therefore terrifyingly unsuitable.

“Whilst Trump is mad in an obvious ‘Let’s nuke Mexico’ kind of way, Clinton’s madness is of the more insidious ‘I just want power’ kind.

“Trump will end the world in an orgy of explosions and crazy rhetoric, but Clinton will kill you slowly by turning a blind eye to multinational corporations lacing the food chain with toxic chemicals.

“During the forthcoming Food Riots of 2020, Trump will yell at troops to kill all looters, while Clinton will instruct generals to ‘shoot if you must’ while a single tear rolls down her cheek.

“Imagine having to watch either Terminator 2 or a really miserable version of Erin Brokovitch for the rest of your life.”