Exercise definitely paying off, says permanently injured man

A MAN is really feeling the benefits of his exercise regime when he is not recovering from agonising injuries, he has announced.

Marketing consultant Tom Logan is reaching an impressive level of physical fitness apart from extended periods when he can barely move in case his kneecaps fall off.

Logan said: “I feel much fitter and full of energy, which will be great once this slipped disc heals and I can get off the sofa without weeping with pain.

“I try to vary my routine between weights, cardiovascular exercise and watching TV with my leg on a stool because my tendons have snapped like piano wire and left me temporarily disabled.

“There’s no gain without pain, so after being rushed to hospital with a strangulated hernia I must be healthier than Superman.

“Diet’s important too. If I can’t leave the house due to a ruptured ligament or twisted testicle I always dial for a healthy choice of pizza like chicken.”

Sports injury specialist Dr Donna Sheridan said: “When you’re exercising it’s important to know your limits and exceed them recklessly to impress random twats in the gym.

“I’d advise Tom to rotate his injuries. Just because you’ve damaged your elbow it doesn’t mean you can’t overdo it on the running machine and knacker your ankles.”

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Queen’s top ten songs all Lethal Bizzle

THE Queen’s top ten songs are all by her favourite artist Lethal Bizzle, it has been confirmed.

Ignoring advice from Palace staff and the prime minister to include a few Adele tunes, Elizabeth II has once again confirmed that for her there is only grime. 

Music writer Julian Cook said: “I was hopeful some other genres, or indeed even artists, might get a look in this time but no, as you’d expect it’s all Bizzle all the way. 

“Lots of new songs – Rari WorkOut obviously, Fester Skank and even the new Wobble which is perhaps a bit premature – alongside old favourites from the More Fire Crew and, as ever, Pow! at number one. 

“She’s nothing if not consistent.” 

The Queen said: “Lethal B is a genius urban storyteller, he’s this generation’s George Formby. Besides his outstanding musical output I really enjoyed his beef with N-Dubz because I think Tulisa is a right skank.

She added: “Grime will never die.”