Headache epidemic caused by having to think

EXPERTS have warned the Wikipedia blackout will cause widescale brain injuries as people try to know things.

The protest, triggered by American plans to make their internet more like China’s, will last for 24 hours and make the Daily Sport the most factually-accurate newspaper in the UK as it is usually correct about the chest measurements.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “The part of the brain used for retaining facts has devolved so sharply in the last 10 years that people trying to look up something on Wikipedia will be physically unable to remember why they can’t, because that would require knowing two things at once.

“As well as the piercing migraines normally associated with Davina McCall, the brain may also try using other parts usually associated with motor function or bladder control, leaving people slumped on the floor covered in piss as they try to remember the capital of Ukraine.”

Until Wikipedia is restored Brubaker has advised using more traditional sources of completely unverified information, such as phoning up your dad or asking that bloke down the pub.

However, there are fears the website could return with a completely fictitious set of entries, as opposed to the wildly approximate database currently used by the world’s feckless.

Brubaker warned: “The effort involved in going to one of the country’s six remaining libraries and finding the relevant reference book to check whether Wikipedia is correct in naming Little Jimmy Osmond as the attorney general of Namibia is more than most people can be bothered with.

“This could usher in a new information age where facts are approximate and allowed to change depending on their popularity.

“The Vatican is going to fucking shit with joy.”



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Standard & Poor's upgrades itself

CREDIT rating agency Standard & Poor’s has upgraded itself to Triple-A Plus Super Fantastic.

The new rating means the agency gets the best table at The Ivy, can jump any queue at Alton Towers and gets Sky HD with all the sport and movie channels at the introductory price forever.

S&P analyst Wayne Hayes said: “It’s about time the superb work done by this first-class – actually, better than first-class, what can we invent that’s above it? – financial institution was recognised with a string of letters.

“Our upgrade means I can requisition models direct from the Paris catwalk, take home one painting from the National Gallery per visit, and snort Peruvian flake off a policeman’s riot shield without fear of arrest. It is awesome.”

Hayes added: “Nobody outside S&P could understand or indeed be allowed to examine our rating criteria, but let me assure you they’re 100 per cent accurate. In fact, make that 150 per cent.

“Critics have pointed to our high ratings of the securitised credit instruments which caused the global financial crash as a serious mistake which calls our credibility into question, but actually we’ve downgraded that to a trivial mistake which had no bearing on the credit crunch.

“The privileges of S&P’s credit rating, which as of right now include a 12-inch cybernetic penis, infinite lives and the Batmobile, must be earned with a programme of austerity.

“Dance for us, you whores.”

Rival credit agency Moody’s immediately downgraded S&P’s rating to triple-Z minus in a bucket of guts.