Health not that important

YOUR health is not especially important, according to a new study.

After weeks of conflicting dietary advice in the media, researchers at the Institute for Studies concluded that health was over-emphasised compared to other lifestyle factors like pleasure.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Having a long life is all very well, but what if that life is utterly tedious? Happiness is impossible to quantify but resting heart rate and body weight are, which is why really dull people obsess about those things.

“They are still going to die though.

“If you compare someone who exercises every day to someone who gets pissed every other night, the former might live ten or 15 years longer. It’s not a lot when you think about it. It’s questionable whether it’s worth bothering.”

Professor Brubaker added that health was particularly unimportant as most humans will never amount to much anyway.

“For the vast majority of us, what we do work-wise is fairly routine and doesn’t involve discovering or inventing anything particularly great.

“So if we die a bit early it’s not that big a deal, humanity isn’t particularly going to lose out.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Crimeans hoping Putin okay with 97 per cent

THE people of Crimea are hoping Vladimir Putin is happy with their overwhelming love for Russia.

Almost 97 per cent voted in favour of joining the Russian Federation, well short of the 120 per cent that President Putin generally expects in these situations.

Crimea’s pro-Russian leader, Sergei Aksyonov, said: “I’m dreading the phone call. He won’t even say ‘hi, how are you?’ it’ll just be, ‘so, what about the other three per cent, dipshit?’.

“I swear to god, I thought we had everyone on board, at least once. But it’s fine, I’ll just pretend to be dead.”

A Russian government spokesman said: “We welcome the qualified approval of Crimea to become the world’s largest naval base. It’s just a shame that some people are never happy. Oh well.”

Meanwhile, the crisis threatens to confuse westerners even more, with many suggesting that lots of Russian-speaking people choosing to become part of Russia does not seem like a particularly good reason for a nuclear war.