Healthy eating campaign makes Britons want to die younger

THE latest government healthy eating campaign has made UK citizens feel okay about dying soon.

Cabbages are fun

Change4Life deploys a combination of drool-proof recipe cards, simplistic, colourful drawings of fruit and Ainsley Harriott’s rictus death-grin.

The literature is also peppered with quotes like ‘this healthy dish is perfect for fun eating’ that are steadily eroding Britain’s will to live.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “The use of the numeral ‘4’ instead of ‘for’ to create a groovy ‘text-speak vibe’ particularly makes me want to turn on my deep fat fryer and stick my head in it.

“I am also fairly certain that the phrase ‘rustle up’ will be used extensively. Those two words always make me want to ‘rustle up’ a twelve bore and stick it in my mouth.”

She added: “The next time the government gets a TV chef and a supermarket – the two great fucking sages of our time – to tell me to eat my greens perhaps it could first consult a dictionary and look up the word ‘adult’ before opening a tenth-floor window and leaping out of it into a skip full of rusty metal.”

Teacher Bill McKay said: “Apparently fatty, processed foods can shorten life expectancy. Which is great news if you’re existing in a country so mired in patronising pigshit it can not longer sustain non-irritated humans.

“I would rather die on my flabby feet clutching a Rustlers burger and a can of ‘energy drink’ than kneel before Harriott’s grinning, disembodied head and say ‘help me mighty one, for I cannot distinguish between crisps and an apple’.”