How to survive your partner whinging about having a cold

YOUR partner has a minor illness and you’re suffering the ill-effects of having to look after the sneezy f**ker. This is how you’ll survive it: 

Minimise the illness

Show your red-eyed boyfriend your empathy for his suffering by adopting a positive mindset to the point of gaslighting. Phrases like ‘You seem fine to me,’ and ‘Yeah, you’ll be able to work no problem’ really highlight how little sympathy you have for his medical theatrics and encourage him to shut up about it.

Administer pharmaceuticals

When she wheezingly requests it – and she will, half the reason she’s faking illness is to get you running around after her – get paracetamol, cough sweets, cough syrup, dump them on the bed and confirm that as far as you’re concerned, you’ve cured it. Even a GP couldn’t do more. Take those, get better, done.

Provide a bespoke medical facility

Recognising that, as caregiver, it would cripple the household if you came down with your husband’s illness is a handy way of shuttling him off to the spare room. Turn it into a makeshift quarantine facility and provide the PPE basics of pills, porn and energy drinks. Then refuse to enter for his own good.

Share the burden

Having a snot-filled sausage of melancholy as a partner isn’t something to be endured alone. Invite friends and family round to absorb the radiant misery from the safe distance of downstairs, where your partner is strictly forbidden to go. Enjoy the drinks and fun that they’d surely want you to if they weren’t overflowing with phlegm.

Challenge preconceptions

Invite your girlfriend to look at her cold not as an excuse to do f**k all but as a challenge to overcome. Explain that she can sit and whinge or, like a Paralympian, refuse to be held back by a mere rhinovirus and become an inspiration to others. Suggest she start now by going doing the big shop while you watch telly.

Do one

If you’re at the end of your tether, take time for self-care. Whether this means going to the cinema, going to the pub or simply hooking up with a side-piece, you’re justified in putting yourself first as you’ve been smart enough not to get a cold. Text regularly asking ‘u well yet?’ and you can’t be accused of being uncaring.

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Getting reprimanded politely the worst, employees confirm

BEING told off in a constructive and professional manner by a manager who only wants to help is far worse than a red-faced bollocking, workers have agreed. 

After area representative Tom Logan forgot to upload crucial sales data manager Helen Archer took him to one side, pointed out his errors and stressed he was an asset to the team who needed to maintain peak performance.

Logan said: “The utter solutions-focused, respectful cow. She made me feel about this tall.

“If she’d lost her shit about it, going totally over the top in a wildly unfair and out-of-proportion rant, I would have walked out of there the victim. The rest of the office would have minimised my mistakes nicely and agreed I didn’t merit that kind of treatment.

“Now I have to actually take her feedback on board and try harder and she gets to reflect on what a great boss she is. She’ll probably use me as an example in his next job interview. I hate her.”

Eleanor Shaw of Braintree agreed: “All I did was badly miss my targets and my boss was asking me if everything was okay and offering one-on-one sessions to work on my skillset because he had faith in me. And I had to be polite back, like some kind of gimp.

“Give me a tosser we can all bitch about in the pub any day. Instead he’s creating a friendly, cordial workplace where people feel respected for their contribution. Wanker.”