How to use a public toilet without sitting on it

DOES the idea of placing your bare buttocks where a stranger’s bare buttocks have been make you shudder? Try these six methods: 

Hovering

The popular technique of levitating above the seat not only ensures you won’t touch a molecule of stray urine or catch crabs, it’s also a great way to tone those thighs. Likely to result in p*ss all over the seat but that’s someone else’s problem.

Lining

Prefer to sit? Simply line the seat with paper, but a few sheets won’t cut it; you’ll need to empty the dispenser to be sure you aren’t tainted by stranger-wee and an outcast forever. Take in a few scatter cushions to add to the ambience.

Burning

The best way to kill germs is with heat, and the easiest way to do that without damaging the fixtures and fittings is with a generous dose of boiling oil. Plug in a deep fat fryer, rinse the seat, wipe up and take your piss. Be careful not to slip.

Sanding

Simply sit on the toilet as you would at home regardless of condition, then go home and remove the outer layer of skin on your buttocks with a belt sander. Hygenic and safe.

Personal Portaloo

A flatbed truck containing your own personal Portaloo following you wherever you go will mean you can make water on the move with no creeping dread.

Never leave the house

The best way to be sure that you never have to sit on a dirty toilet is just to stay home.  Either that or wear nappies.

Babies demand remote control-flavoured baby food

BABIES have demanded food that tastes as delicious as the TV remote controls they love to stuff into their mouths. 

Infants from four weeks to 18 months have also requested food with the delectable flavours of the corner of a book, the floor, their own shoe or a smartphone case.

11-month-old Martin Bishop said: “You ask why we won’t eat, but when we show you what we like, do you listen? No.

“Instead it’s pears and butternut squash and sweet potatoes. It’s like the grown-ups are hiding all the ‘used napkin off a Wetherspoon’s table’ jars for themselves.

“Don’t Sony want our money? Then why don’t they respond to the demands of the market and produce a range of foods tasting like their toothsome TV remotes, PlayStation controllers, phones and the rest?”

Nine-month-old Mary Fisher agreed: “It is absurd that quinoa gets its own pouch before the remote control for a 55in LG flatscreen. Where was the research?

“The first company to make a half-decent remote-flavoured meal is going to make a killing. Put your mortgage on it.”