How to use a public toilet without sitting on it

DOES the idea of placing your bare buttocks where a stranger’s bare buttocks have been make you shudder? Try these six methods: 

Hovering

The popular technique of levitating above the seat not only ensures you won’t touch a molecule of stray urine or catch crabs, it’s also a great way to tone those thighs. Likely to result in p*ss all over the seat but that’s someone else’s problem.

Lining

Prefer to sit? Simply line the seat with paper, but a few sheets won’t cut it; you’ll need to empty the dispenser to be sure you aren’t tainted by stranger-wee and an outcast forever. Take in a few scatter cushions to add to the ambience.

Burning

The best way to kill germs is with heat, and the easiest way to do that without damaging the fixtures and fittings is with a generous dose of boiling oil. Plug in a deep fat fryer, rinse the seat, wipe up and take your piss. Be careful not to slip.

Sanding

Simply sit on the toilet as you would at home regardless of condition, then go home and remove the outer layer of skin on your buttocks with a belt sander. Hygenic and safe.

Personal Portaloo

A flatbed truck containing your own personal Portaloo following you wherever you go will mean you can make water on the move with no creeping dread.

Never leave the house

The best way to be sure that you never have to sit on a dirty toilet is just to stay home.  Either that or wear nappies.