Huge Increase In People Who Have Totally Got Swine Flu

THE number of people who have totally got that swine flu thing is set to explode over the next few days, it was claimed last night.

Within hours of the government replacing England's 30,000 GPs with a website, experts said new cases would rocket, especially as people were now able to tell lies to a computer in return for two weeks off work.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Now that people are officially diagnosing themselves, it is very likely the number of cases will soon match the exact number of people in the country.

"At that stage we are legally obliged to come up with a new type of 'demic'. I have expressed my support for 'ultra-demic' while my colleague Brian favours 'rama-lama-demic', but he is a huge Little Richard fan."

Emma Bradford, from London, said: "I have definitely got it because my Blackberry said so. I shall be collecting my Tamiflu from the chemist and then taking advantage of a last minute recuperation deal to Menorca."

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I would say I'm about 30% sure I'm not feeling well, but I'm 100% sure that I have just come up with a copper-bottomed reason to extend my summer holidays.

"The website is far too complicated. They should just replace all the symptom related questions with 'would you like two weeks off work?'."

He added: "Obviously you don't have to take the pills, but from what my Blackberry tells me there can be some really freaky side effects. I've decided to mix mine with schnapps and Dubonnet and resurface towards the end of August."

Meanwhile a doubling of the number of actual swine flu cases in the last week has led doctors to believe it may be some sort of infectious disease.

A British Medical Association spokesman said: "It does now seem to be spreading from person to person, much like a typical virus, which certainly puts paid to our theory that it's caused by bad dreams."

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Eight Million Children Taken Into Care

NEW NHS guidelines warning that dirty, smelly youngsters may be victims of abuse have led to almost eight million children being taken into care, it emerged last night.

Other tell-tale signs include toddlers who look like Sylvester Stallone at the end of Rocky IV and parents who carry their offspring into GP offices via the method of keepy-up.

But it is the new stench guidelines which have brought the system to the brink of collapse as experts pointed out that 99.2% of all youngsters under 10 stink like a cake made of plasticine and faeces.

Social worker Nikki Hollis said: "I've worked in Hull for six years and I still can't tell where that awful smell is coming from. Am I retching because the child is abused or because it's just Northern?"

The eight million children will say goodbye to their families next week before being packed onto trains and transported to floating 'super care homes' off the west coast of Scotland.

Each will be allowed to bring one memento of home, after it has been steam-cleaned to remove any lingering odour of childhood, such as soil, bogies and Tweenies breakfast cereal.

Ed Balls, secretary of state for children, said: "We are one step closer to having a clean, pure society where the government fulfils its natural role as a stern but loving parent to all of its subjects.

"We must now turn our focus to removing all trace of the gypsy from our nation's bloodline."