'I Love NHS' tattoo infected

A MAN with a fresh ‘I Love NHS’ is beginning to worry that he needs a trip to A&E. 

Nathan Muir was given the tattoo by his housemate’s dealer in a fit of patriotic fervour last week, but is now concerned that medical staff need to look at it in a professional and non-admiring way.

He said: “I wanted to give something back to the nurses and doctors. But it’s beginning to smell like Dairylea, and the swelling should have gone down by now. Maybe we should have used proper ink.

“If the blood gets any lumpier I’m going to hospital. Hopefully the nurses will still appreciate my tribute and see it as a nice distraction from the coronavirus, rather than treating me like a twat who’s given himself blood poisoning.

“Am I seeing things or has the ‘S’ turned itself the right way around?”

Doctor Helen Archer said: “What a lovely sentiment on the young man’s arm. I hope we can save it.”

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Colonel Tom thrilled to be the same rank as Camilla

COLONEL Tom Moore is thrilled to hold the same military rank as the Duchess of Cornwall, he has confirmed. 

The former captain was promoted on his 100th birthday in recognition of his heroic efforts raising money for the NHS, and is now the same rank as the woman best known for Tampongate.

A friend said: “Like Camilla, Tom is just so delighted to serve. Just in different ways.

“While he enlisted in the Army during the Second World War and served in India and Burma, winning four medals, she helped her country by breaking up the heir to the throne’s marriage.

“And while he, at the age of 99, tirelessly walked around his own garden and inspired a nation to raise £30 million, she lives in a house worth at least twice that and is the patron of many charities but gives them nothing.

“So it’s absolutely right that they should hold the same military rank. Well, almost the same. She’s actually a colonel-in-chief. And an air commodore.”