WATER is, ultimately, water. Sadly that doesn’t stop some being incredibly particular about the hydration they need to live, like the following wankers:
The ‘I only find sparkling refreshing’ wanker
The most common type. They’d happily drink their own urine if it was carbonated. Insisting the refreshing kick of sparkling water is better than an ice-cold Coke, in blatant contradiction of billions of dollars of marketing, they’re seemingly unable to taste the bitter chemical tang fizzy water always has. And refuse to describe it as ‘fizzy’.
The ‘unfiltered water will kill you’ wanker
Would put the freshest mountain spring through a purifier to eliminate the toxins they presumably believe hospitalise so many. Offered unfiltered water at a friend’s house, they have to refuse, preferring to rehydrate by sucking the moisture out of their own armpits than pollutes their bodies with a San Pellegrino.
The ‘unflavoured water is too bland’ wanker
This precious little prick needs H2O infused with orange zest or a hint of lemon, unable to see any purpose in drinking anything that isn’t delightfully fruity. Forget imbibing water to stay alive; what’s the point of staying alive without a teasing suggestion of peach?
The ‘measures the pH of their water’ wanker
Despite no compelling evidence that it offers any significant health benefits, will only drink alkaline water. Claims it neutralises stomach acid and that the inconvenience of carrying around a pH testing kit is worth it for stronger bones. Ironically, is the subject of acidic comments from all around for them and their litmus paper to f**k the f**k off.
The ‘only drinks tap water’ wanker
Believes shunning free council pop for expensive bottled alternatives is a bloody fool’s game. Crucially, tells everyone at every opportunity. If ever trapped on a train in the Lincolnshire countryside with the temperature at 40 degrees would still refuse to buy a Highland Spring from the trolley and would instead lap from the toilet. Probably your dad.
The ‘I have my own well’ wanker
Hugely impressed with themselves for having their very own aquifer. What this actually amounts to is a hole in their garden from which they extract gritty brown rainwater. Whether they die slowly of radon poisoning or swiftly of arsenic ingestion, you can tap the lid of their coffin and congratulate them on their wholly natural death.
