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Man genuinely does not realise he's gay

AN obviously gay man appears to be the only person in his circle of friends, acquaintances and family to have no inkling of his sexuality. 

Tom Booker, aged 26, believes he is just yet to meet a girl who has ‘the focus of Cher, the bravery of Madonna and the sheer sequinned fabulousness of Christina Aguilera’.

He continued: “There just never seem to be any single women when I’m pursuing my interests, whether attending the ballet or doing Indonesian cookery courses. I’m putting myself out there!

“Occasionally I get a lady posting an admiring comment on my TikToks where I lipsync to Britney Spears tracks, but I wouldn’t want to date a fan.

“I don’t get lonely – there’s always Drag Race on telly – but I do get despondent sometimes, coming home from yet another date with a girl who for whatever reason just doesn’t turn me on and drowning my sorrows in bathtime Bellinis.

“Yes, I wish I had a life partner to take to the musical of The Devil Wears Prada who could sympathise with my own struggles to enter the fashion industry. But I’m prepared to wait.”

Friend Joanna Kramer said: “We are thinking of locking him briefly in a closet to see if he gets it.”

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Men on lads' weekend making pathetic excuses to call the women they love

MEN on a boys-only getaway are concocting ridiculous reasons for calling the women they share their lives with so as not to lose face. 

Tired, emotional but afraid of derision, the crew of lads in Dublin are attempting to fulfil promises to girlfriends and wives they will call home while being to scared to openly do so in front of the others.

Martin Bishop, aged 31, said: “It’s not easy. We never leave each other’s company except to go for a piss, and you can’t call from in there any more than talk to a stranger.

“Nathan said ‘I’d better take this,’ when his pregnant girlfriend called to a rising, mocking chorus of ‘Aaah-under the thumb,’ so we’ve established it’s not allowed and any contact must be surreptitious and clandestine.

“Howard texted his wife to call saying there was no hot water, which might have worked if Ben wasn’t a heating engineer and his flimsy excuse hadn’t fallen apart under technical scrutiny. He had to do three tequila shots and shortly after pissed himself.

“Si was pretending to film a selfie when it was actually a FaceTime with Katie. The lads jumped him, nicked his phone and began simulating homoerotic acts. One of them was Katie’s brother. I don’t know who feels the most shame, but it’s how it has to be.”

Bishop later requested a private dance in a lapdancing club, which he spent on the phone to his girlfriend crying and saying he wanted to go home.

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