If Only I Really Was Stuart Little, Says Michael J. Fox

HOLLYWOOD superstar Michael J. Fox last night complained that he would have been cured of his Parkinson’s disease by now if he really was a mouse.

The Stuart Little actor said he was sick of having his paper opened for him only to read about another wonder cure for mice.

And he urged doctors to spend less time helping small rodents with chronic illnesses and a bit more time helping people.

Fox said: "We've got a cancer proof mouse, mice that can be cured of diabetes, mice that enjoy eternal youth and now we've found out how to cure 'mouse' Parkinson's.

"Meanwhile I am sitting here shaking so much my fillings are falling out."

He added: "Mice can't even act . They had to call me in to do the voice because the 'real' mouse kept forgetting his lines. I held his hand through the whole thing.

"Now he's running around the place in his little red car, while I'm not even allowed to drive in case I suddenly switch lanes or run over a cat."

Fox complained that life expectancy for mice was now more than double that of the average actor in Hollywood.

He said: "I've even heard that Buddhists are behaving like total shits, just so they can get reincarnated as mice. Fuckin' Buddhists."

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Werewolves Back Hybrid Embryo Bill

BRITAIN'S werewolves have thrown their weight behind the government's plan to legalise terrifying hybrid embryos.

More than 200 wolfmen have signed a letter to national newspapers urging MPs to endorse the creation of thousands of eight foot tall, flesh-eating monsters.

Tom Logan, a 42 year-old werewolf from Tiverton, said: "The only way we can create a new werewolf is to bite someone, without killing them, under a full moon.

"But I'll tell you what, once you start attacking someone on a moor, it's very difficult to stop yourself from completely disembowelling them.

"This means we're struggling to create more than 30 or 40 new werewolves a year, once you take into account holidays and illness.

"We're up against it. Silver bullets are cheaper than ever and more and more young professionals want a stuffed werewolf head over their mantelpiece."

He added: "This bill could be a new start. We could have our own football league or stage the first all-werewolf production of Jesus Christ Superstar."

Meanwhile opposition MPs have expressed concern over claims the government may contain as many as 12 Catholics.

Denys Finch-Hatton, MP for Minchinhamptonsteadbury, said: "I have two questions: How did this happen? And can we burn them?"