Is the third wave all your fault? Take our quiz

THE prime minister has heavily hinted that the third wave of Covid infections was caused by the British public, because it cannot be his fault. Are you guilty? Find out: 

Did you Eat Out to Help Out? 

A. No, because it was blatantly obvious that cramming indoors with strangers is how the virus spreads
B. Yes, because the government assured me it was perfectly safe and my duty to save the hospitality industry

Did you return to working in the office in the summer? 

A. No, because I was able to work from home and it seemed like a needless risk
B. Yes, because the government said it was safe and also that Pret really needed me

Did you drink in a pub alongside a substantial meal, eg. a Scotch egg? 

A. No, by that time cases were rising and the epidemiologists hadn’t said anything about Scotch eggs conferring immunity so I erred on the side of caution
B. Yes, because the government assured me it was completely safe because I was in tier 2. They always know best

Did you meet another household over Christmas? 

A. No, because my parents are in their 70s and I didn’t want to risk killing them just so we could eat pigs in blankets together
B. Yes, because the government assured me it was totally safe even if Chris Whitty disagreed and it was Christmas, after all


Mostly As: By failing to follow government advice, you are responsible for the third wave of Covid and each death is on your head. Not Matt Hancock’s or Boris Johnson’s. Yours.

Mostly Bs: You followed government advice and so everything you did was perfectly safe. If you contracted Covid and passed it on to others that could not be helped. Well done.

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Six great ways to avoid having sex with your partner

IN the current circumstances, you might not be feeling that sexy. Or you just might not fancy it, like normal. Either way, here are some great tips to prevent passionate lovemaking.

Conjure up an argument

If it looks like sex is on the table, start an argument. Anything will do. His mouth clicks when he eats – perfect. She leaves empty loo rolls in the bathroom – wonderful. There’s no way you’ll be having sex with this petty-minded miseryguts you’re in a long-term relationship with.

Watch the news

About to hit the sack for a bit of you-know-what? Click over to the nightly news. The relentlessly grim roundabout of Covid, child poverty and Middle East conflict is a guaranteed boner-killer. To be on the safe side, don’t tune into sexy Emily Maitlis and stick with Huw Edwards.

Pretend to be really into your book

As you sit in bed reading like an old couple from a sitcom, your other half might try it on. Huff, tut and say this is a particularly gripping chapter. It turns out that, unlike your partner, The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman is absolutely unputdownable.

Eat a big dinner

Nothing stops romance in its tracks like being too full. So the next time you sense your partner trying to get lucky, cook them a huge meal. After a full roast dinner, extra helpings of roasties and sticky toffee pudding, the only fire they’ll have left in them is excruciating heartburn.

Mention sex earlier in the day

If you want to guarantee NOT having sex in the evening, big it up earlier in the day. You can both talk a good game at 1pm when one of you is a bit frisky. But it’s a stone cold certainty that after a long day you’ll both chicken out and watch four episodes of Bridgerton on Netflix.

Tell them it’s ‘the equinox’

Good for confusing men. Tell your partner you can’t have sex because ‘it’s the equinox’. They’ll somehow make the mental leap that this links to the moon, the tides and perhaps a woman’s cycle. And since no one really knows what the equinox is, you can use it whenever you like.