Single people wondering if they'll ever go on a shit date again

THE nation’s unloved loners have been left wondering if they will get to enjoy a shit date with a weirdo ever again.

With the concept of dating fast becoming a distant memory during lockdown, singletons are concerned that the days of making awkward small talk in a Nando’s will never return.

Bachelor Tom Booker said: “It’s alright for couples, they get to have crap date nights then pretend to have a headache from the comfort of their own homes. But what are we meant to do?

“I’m not even asking for a spontaneous weekend away in the Cotswolds or a trip up the London Eye. Give me a complete lack of connection in an overpriced pub and I’ll be happy.

“Compared to rolling out a vaccine, pairing people up with someone with no personality or compatible interests should be a piece of cake. I’m surprised nobody’s asked Chris Whitty when this will happen.”

Dating guru Nikki Hollis said: “Single people can date in a Covid-secure way right now on Zoom.

“And thanks to lagging issues and the total absence of physical contact, Zoom dates are guaranteed to be more tortuous and unsatisfying than the real thing.”

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America takes lead from Britain in Dumbshit Olympics

AMERICA is once again leading Britain in the Dumbshit Olympic competition to decide the most idiotic country on the f**king Earth. 

The UK slipped into the lead in November, when it was still dicking around pointlessly claiming it would break international law for Brexit, while the US voted for someone sane. 

But the US has come roaring back after a sitting president incited a coup without any consequences apart from a Facebook ban. 

Anglo-American relations expert Professor Mary Fisher said: “It’s been a rollercoaster ride since 2016, when we voted for Brexit and they topped it by voting for Trump. 

“Since then it’s been a constant race to the bottom. For every idiotic EU negotiation on our side the US would pull out of climate change agreements. For every ‘red, white and blue’ Brexit, they’d have a confected outrage about a kneeling football player. 

“The UK was so desperate to catch up they even elected their own mini-Trump, recognising that any halfwitted team is only as cretinous as its most wilfully stupid leader, but even Boris isn’t quite thick enough. 

“So the US is winning right now, but Biden takes charge in two weeks. I believe in Britain. I know in my heart we can f**k this up worse than anyone.”