Use twee words to describe a disaster: How to report like Laura Kuenssberg

STRUGGLING to write stories about historic political events in the most toothless way possible? Here’s how to dash off reports like Laura Kuenssberg.

Use twee words to describe a disaster

Just because words are your trade doesn’t mean you have to use them accurately. ‘Scuffle’ might not be a synonym for ‘violent challenge to American democracy’, but it’s not like anybody will get out a dictionary to check. By the same logic the Hong Kong protests were a ‘brouhaha’ and the George Floyd riots were a ‘hubbub’.

Cosy up to power

Forget asking hard-hitting questions that expose the hypocrisy of our ruling class, the best way to unearth the truth is to meet politicians in a wine bar or tweet what Dominic Cummings texted you.

Write ambiguous headlines

Dry, fact-based headlines are dead on arrival in the cut-throat world of online journalism. Tart the information up with the old trick of asking an unanswered question. It’s a bit clickbaity and you might fundamentally undermine the credibility of the great broadcasting institution the BBC, but, frankly, who cares by now?

Tweet constantly

These can range from updates which reiterate the news that people already know, to rolling posts based on nothing more than hearsay. Give your tweets urgency and dramatic impact by never using a full stop.

Appear on the BBC at least 200 times a day

It’s not enough just to deliver daily reports while shivering in Parliament Square. Branch out with a podcast and guest spots on talk shows until you become the Gregg Wallace of news. By 2022 you’ll be hosting a popular entertainment programme where you show proles how to cook delicious meals with their Brexit rations.

More virulent strain of right-wing, Covid-denying commentator emerges

EXPERTS have warned of an even worse type of anti-science, right-wing newspaper columnist emerging during the Covid crisis. 

A new strain of amoral, ambitious journalists could spread quasi-libertarian nonsense more effectively than even Allison Pearson, Julia Hartley-Brewer and that twat Toby Young.

Newly recruited Daily Telegraph contrarian Charlotte Phelps said: “We should have mass burnings of masks in town centres. And people who wear them. 

“Everything is an assault on our freedom. It’s fascism, although I have no idea what that means except it’s bad like Darth Vader.”

Fellow columnist and former Young Conservative Josh Hudson-Stroud said: “Fuck this ‘Clap a carer’. It should be ‘Cough on a carer’, to prove it’s all a conspiracy.

“I’ve been writing for the Times from my parents’ estate in Buckinghamshire and I haven’t got Covid. Why don’t people listen to the real experts?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said, “We can try to contain the new twats by not listening to them, but it’s only a matter of time before the BBC invites them on Question Time for ‘balance’.”