The moron's guide to not voting for idiots

ARE you the sort of dunce who votes for arseholes like Boris Johnson and Donald Trump? Here are some questions to ask yourself before voting for them next time.

Are they a notorious liar?

We’ve all told the odd fib – ‘Your hair looks really nice’, ‘The bodies in the loft were already here when I moved in’, and so on. But if someone has a well-publicised, decades-long track record of lying, there’s a tiny chance they might do it again.

Are they clearly manipulating people like you? 

Write down your simplistic thoughts on a piece of paper, probably things like ‘Too many foreigns’ and ‘British army good’. Keep it to hand while watching TV and if politicians express exactly the same views – but with slightly longer words – they may somehow have guessed what is going on in your head.

Have they got an obvious personality disorder? 

Mental disorders aren’t a great CV point, but it doesn’t seem to be a problem for populist politicians. However psychiatrists advise that before voting you should look out for the following warning signs:

● Overconfidence and a need to feel they are ‘the best’

● A need to be liked that can quickly turn to anger

● Persisting with elaborate hairstyles when you could just accept you’re getting older and get it trimmed flatteringly short like other bald coots such as Ross Kemp

Are they actually going to help you?

Prepare for your mind to be blown, but it might be a good idea to vote for someone who will genuinely help the NHS or improve shitty train services. Maybe prioritise that over media ‘culture war’ bollocks like a nobody student union rep from Sheffield Hallam criticising Zulu on Twitter?

Are they just a wanker? 

If you wouldn’t accept a pissed-up Boris Johnson boring on about the Battle of Thermopylae while trying to cop off with your wife in your own home and hogging all the nibbles, maybe don’t vote for him.

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Donald Trump's guide to winking at the camera

HI, I’m US president Donald Trump and I’m going to let you into a little secret – some of the things I say, I don’t really mean. Here’s how I do it.

Have a dumb audience of Trump supporters

They’ll know exactly what you mean, and think you’re smart for doing it. Aim for an audience that’s roughly as stupid as my son Donald Jr. Winking at cameras with ‘Fox News’ on them is best.

Say something reasonable

This is where you say something normal. For example: “Please don’t hate on Nancy Pelosi”, “I’m taking this virus very seriously” or “I hope elderly, forgetful Joe Biden makes a great president and lives a long and happy life.”

Pause for effect

Leave a pause that makes it obvious you’re not sincere, even if your previous 74 years have made it clear already. This is where a clever showman like me might literally wink at a camera.

Refuse to answer questions

Don’t say more than you have to. If a degenerate journalist asks for an explanation, give them a scoff, a shake of the head, or a facial expression like ham getting sucked down a plughole.

And that’s it

You see, it’s easy if you’re already such an irredeemable jerk that the truth refuses to attach itself to you. Please don’t do anything bad on your way home.