Things I know are communist because the Telegraph told me, by Roy Hobbs

COMMUNISTS are taking over Britain. I know because I read it in the Daily Telegraph. Here are some of the socialist horrors the hard left is forcing on us. 

The BBC

The Biased Broadcasting Communists, more likely. It’s run by Marxists who are indoctrinating us with their dangerous lefty views. You might think you’re watching The Antiques Roadshow, but really Fiona Bruce is brainwashing you with her bewitching eyes.

Cycle lanes

Communist cycle lanes are being built everywhere because the government wants to take our cars away. Honestly, having little roads just for bicycles all over the place is exactly like living in Stalin’s Russia.

The NHS

Medical care that’s free at the point of use but paid for by everyone? Lenin would be all over it. I’m deeply suspicious of it and criticise it constantly, until I freak out that my statins have stopped working and I might need to call an ambulance.

The Conservative government

In the past year they’ve given stuff I’ve paid for to poor people for free, which is totally communist. And don’t give me that nonsense about a pandemic. ‘Scamdemic’, if you ask me. All the scientists are in on it too. What do you mean, I sound a bit paranoid? 

Teachers

Teachers are innately left-wing, even the ones who vote Conservative, and all they teach our kids nowadays is how to be transgender and pull down statues. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t set foot in a school since 1967 and I’m talking nonsense. I’m still right.

Buses

Anyone who is prepared to share a cheap means of transport with strangers is definitely a communist. However, believing this doesn’t take away my right to get insanely angry about there being too many cars on the road. Apart from mine, obviously.