Things I know are communist because the Telegraph told me, by Roy Hobbs

COMMUNISTS are taking over Britain. I know because I read it in the Daily Telegraph. Here are some of the socialist horrors the hard left is forcing on us. 


The Biased Broadcasting Communists, more likely. It’s run by Marxists who are indoctrinating us with their dangerous lefty views. You might think you’re watching The Antiques Roadshow, but really Fiona Bruce is brainwashing you with her bewitching eyes.

Cycle lanes

Communist cycle lanes are being built everywhere because the government wants to take our cars away. Honestly, having little roads just for bicycles all over the place is exactly like living in Stalin’s Russia.


Medical care that’s free at the point of use but paid for by everyone? Lenin would be all over it. I’m deeply suspicious of it and criticise it constantly, until I freak out that my statins have stopped working and I might need to call an ambulance.

The Conservative government

In the past year they’ve given stuff I’ve paid for to poor people for free, which is totally communist. And don’t give me that nonsense about a pandemic. ‘Scamdemic’, if you ask me. All the scientists are in on it too. What do you mean, I sound a bit paranoid? 


Teachers are innately left-wing, even the ones who vote Conservative, and all they teach our kids nowadays is how to be transgender and pull down statues. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t set foot in a school since 1967 and I’m talking nonsense. I’m still right.


Anyone who is prepared to share a cheap means of transport with strangers is definitely a communist. However, believing this doesn’t take away my right to get insanely angry about there being too many cars on the road. Apart from mine, obviously.

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Going for a piss in grey sweatpants too risky, men over 40 agree

MIDDLE-AGED men have admitted that that urinating while wearing light-coloured trousers is guaranteed to end in disaster.

Even those in their early 40s have been dismayed to find that going for a wee is no longer the seamless, decisive operation it once was.

Stephen Malley said: “I honestly hoped it would be another couple of decades before I spent most of my days covered in my own urine. Sadly, I was wrong.

“Once the last candle had been blown out on my 40th birthday cake, I suddenly lost all ability to not dribble wee over myself after any toilet trip.

“Grey sweatpants, or anything light really, are playing with fire. Thankfully I can get away with being covered in piss-stains during lockdown. I’ve no need to impress anyone at home and my wife knows what she signed up for.”

Fellow middle-aged man Martin Bishop, 44, said: “Want some advice? Wear black, yeah? Hides the stains.

“If I do end up covered in my own piss, I want it to be between me, my damp underwear, and a pair of trousers dark enough to conceal my shame.”