It wasn’t worth it, says 103-year-old vegetarian

A MAN who extended his life span by avoiding processed meats bitterly regrets having done so, it has emerged.

103-year-old Roy Hobbs never ate sausages, bacon or black pudding apart from a one-off fried breakfast which he admits was mind-bendingly delicious.

He said: “I am over a century old, partly because I’ve exercised extreme self-control when it comes to my base desire for meat.

“Many times I’ve been tempted. One time in Birmingham train station I actually bought a burger and raised it to my salivating mouth, but never took a bite.

“Only once, while staying in a corporate hotel for work, did I succumb to a frantic bout of pleasure with a full breakfast buffet. I had fourteen sausages. Afterwards I lay on my bed for two and a half hours, sweaty but elated.”

Hobbs admitted that, despite living to an impressive age, he still thinks about meat with a sense of regret: “I am old now, and frankly it is shit. But it’s too late to eat a steak because I have no teeth.

“If I could I would appear to my younger self as an apparition and say ‘eat burgers, and meat pies too’. But in a deep ghost-y voice so that it sounded convincing.”

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‘The Force’ is money, reveals George Lucas

THE mysterious force in the Star Wars films is cash, it has been confirmed.

Amid the latest bout of Star Wars excitement, creator George Lucas reveals that the films are not as mystical as most people believe.

Lucas said: “It amuses me that everyone thinks ‘The Force’ is some deep shit, it’s just another word for money.

“As I conceived it, Obi Wan is a freelance financial advisor and Yoda is basically Alan Sugar. He’s trying to convince Luke Skywalker to harness his entrepreneurial instincts so that he can get off that shitty desert planet and start making some serious cash aka force.

“The Empire is actually a big cheap broadband company, like Talk Talk. That’s why Luke has to destroy their main office the Death Star, so that he can start his own internet provider without fear of an overcrowded marketplace.

Lucas added that ‘going over to the dark side of the force’ is a term for being overdrawn.

He said: “Star Wars is Wall Street in space, but without the moral message.”