JK Rowling to rewrite NHS bill

THE government’s flagship NHS bill is to be rewritten for adults by JK Rowling.

The new version will get rid of boring competition between primary care trusts in favour of magical colour-changing lizards that diagnose cancer, enchanted mops and buckets that clean wards on their own. And necromancy.

The new bill also advocates dividing the Royal College of Physicians into four different houses, one of which is proudly evil, and employing a talking surgical mask and gown to rule in cases of medical malpractice.

Rowling said: “The NHS is a wonderful institution in need of fresh ideas, just like Hogwarts® before a certain Harry Potter® enrolled at the school®.

“How about enchanted syringes that fly to patients and inject them? Or owl nurses? Or proctological examinations performed by a magic wand?”

Critics of the scheme say that spells like Vulnera Sanentur have no counterparts in the real world, though they did see the value of A&E departments staffed by mountain trolls to deal with Saturday night woundings pissed up on butterbeer.

David Cameron said: “Like me, the nation’s favourite writer thinks the NHS is broken. And like me, she believes it can be fixed by magic.

“Those sceptics who say minotaur doctors controlling their own budgets with the help of thousands of bewitched accountant worms are unworkable need to open their minds to new solutions.”

The bill will also include 116 excruciating pages about Andrew Lansley winning a Quidditch tournament.

 

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Transport for London unveils state-of-the-art passengers

TRANSPORT for London has unveiled the capital’s new breed of innovative, non-insane public transport passenger.

Transport for London has spent over £240 million on creating thousands of better quality travellers – known as Passengers Plus – from high quality genetic materials.

The project was launched after customer feedback revealed the worst thing about public transport was having to share it with demented, frantically-scrabbling bastards all of whom exist on a spectrum of hostility from ‘passive aggressive’ to ‘carrying a severed head in a bag’.

A TfL spokesman said: “The main problem with the old passengers was not their physical appearance or bodily aroma – challenging though they may be – but their bastardry.

“With their combination of blank-eyed stares and determination to get onto the already-teeming train or bus regardless of the human cost, they appeared simultaneously bored and murderous – ‘borederous’, if you will.

“The Petri dish-created Passengers Plus are 94% more courteous without being irritatingly cheerful.

“They have the manners and demeanour of an elderly person, but are less saggy.”

As a bonus feature, Passengers Plus also has inbuilt weaponry.

The TfL spokesman added: “Let’s say the gentleman sitting opposite you is playing Tinchy Stryder through his mobile phone speaker while loudly masticating a Haribo in a half-arsed attempt to be intimidating.

“A Passenger Plus would place a single finger against that man’s temple, firing a deadly retractable bolt like the ones they use to do pigs in slaughterhouses. It will then return to quietly reading the Metro.”