CHILDREN are to attend school in airtight inflatable plastic spheres for the near future, the government has confirmed.
Zorbs, usually reserved for outdoor adrenaline activities, will be redeployed within schools to protect children from infection while allowing them to continue learning in style.
Education secretary Gavin Williamson said: “It is crucial for these children’s futures, and to stop their parents getting f**ked off at us, that they remain in full-time education.
“So, rather than a rigorous testing regime because we’ve unexpectedly run out, we will be suiting up every child aged between four and 16 into a sturdy, fun and life-enhancing Zorb.
“They can roll out of maths lessons into geography lessons without ever coming into contact with Omicron-tainted air, because they’ve got all the air they need for the day inside their bubble. I think that’s right. I’ve not checked.
“Teachers? No Zorbs. But under this system teachers can still come in even when suffering with Covid, and if they don’t they’ll be fired. If they’re not happy with that they should have made less left-wing life decisions.”
The subsequent discovery that there are only 68 spare Zorbs in the UK with no plans to import more has been ignored by Williamson, who replied he is focused on getting things done.