Leave bacon out of this, health experts warned

HEALTH experts have been issued with a ‘final warning’ after advising consumers to give up bacon.

Following claims that bacon is ‘unhealthy’, angry mobs gathered outside clinics, laboratories and hospitals chanting ‘death to the men in white coats’ and ‘whoever defames the pig should be executed’.

Bill McKay, from Dorchester, said he would rather disembowel himself than live without bacon, the only meat to be approved by the Vegetarian Society.

He added: “We’ve taken a lot of shit from these people over the years. Perhaps the time has come to throw our health experts in jail.”

Rona Cameron, head of bacon sandwiches at the Vegetarian Society, said: “I love pigs, they’re intelligent and sensitive, but these so-called ‘experts’ are deranged, neo-Nazi perverts.”

Wayne Hayes, bacon director at the Bacon Institute, said: “Bacon transforms men into incredibly sensitive and generous lovers and guarantees women the longest and most intense orgasms imaginable.”

Meanwhile, campaigners have issued a series of recommendations for health experts if they wish to avoid having an ‘accident’, including:

  • Leave bacon out of this
  • Shut up about bacon
  • We absolutely dare you to mention bacon again
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How Much For Your Woman, Abdullah Asks Philip

SAUDI Arabia's King Abdullah was last night locked in talks with Prince Philip over how much he would be willing to accept for Her Majesty the Queen.

Following his official welcome yesterday, the King turned to the Duke of Edinbrugh and immediately enquired if the woman was for sale.

Palace insiders say negotiations will take another day to complete but the two men are likley to settle on a figure of around $12 million to be paid over three years.

A Saudi source said: "It's rare such an opportunity comes along. Good legs, strong jaw and those magnificent knees look brand new.

"We will take excellent care of Queen. She will have own stall, perfumed straw and a big bag of finest quality Egyptian oats."

The source added: "She will never be ridden. Instead she will be used to teach the younger wives how to hold their cutlery."

A Palace insider said: "The Prince did think twice, but it's been an expensive year what with paying off the Diana inquest jury and having his new balls fitted."