Leaving a tiny bit of booze in bottom of glass ‘prevents alcoholism’

NOT completely finishing the alcohol you were drinking proves you do not have a drink problem, Britons believe.

‘Leaving the dregs’ in the bottle of a glass or bottle is thought to prevent alcohol dependency, even if you regularly drink until to the point of initiating a fight.

Sales manager Nikki Hollis said: “I’m proud because his morning there was a half inch of shiraz left in the sixth bottle.

“We always have at least two centimetres of gin, whisky or vodka left, and I don’t think hopeless alcoholics would casually leave a fifth of the revolting aniseed drink we got in Cyprus.

“Leaving small amounts of alcohol proves I can stop drinking whenever I want. Not today, obviously, because you need a few drinks on Wednesday to wind down from the weekend.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “I often leave some of my drink in the pub because I’m usually having such a good time I completely forget to finish my 15th pint.

“I feel sorry for winos who can’t stop drinking, but they could cure them by teaching them to leave a small amount of Special Brew in the can.”

Alcohol specialist Dr Donna Sheridan said: “If you regularly drink until all the alcohol is gone you should seek professional help, or buy a larger bottle so there’s still some left when you go to bed.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’re sick and tired of being patronised by your colleagues at work and once you work out how to log in to your computer you’ll email them to say so.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re always looking for people to massage your ego, which is massive progress given that it used to be your crotch.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Frustration as you load up your Kindle with holiday reading and discover ‘Domino’s Pizza Menus’ is not an option.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ve always enjoyed pinball, because you get millions and millions of points for just standing there reflexively pressing buttons. Which is why you went into investment banking. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As a Scorpio you’ve always had a penchant for lurking around in people’s shoes, waiting to hurt them.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A tall, dark, handsome stranger comes into your life on Friday, walks right past you and carries on walking.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your zodiac sign is only visible south of the equator so you’ve never seen it, but you’re confident next month’s trip to the Intu Centre, Watford will sort that out. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Bad news for you tomorrow, when you vote Remain and leave the polling booth to find yourself in a dystopian nightmare Britain where EU commissioners have made the national language Flemish, introduced Sharia law and fish n’ chips have been outlawed. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A boost for your career on Sunday when you pitch Disney a film about two talking toasters on a quest to rescue their friend, an orphaned potato waffle, and they buy it because kids will watch any shit.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Expect a difficult weekend after your theory that bear traps can only trap bears is conclusively disproven, in the woods, 32 miles from the nearest road. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Medical disaster for you on Monday after a transplant mix-up means you’re given the hands of a convicted strangler, when you’ve always been more of a garroter.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Based on what your neighbour has in their window, in the referendum they will be voting for some dead bees and a coke can.