SHOWERS are taking twice as long as 20 years ago as people desperately try to scrub off the 21st century, say researchers.
A survey conducted by an enormous conglomerate to sell people more electricity, water and bath mats found that this was exactly the kind of thing that was making people feel so soiled in the first place.
Researcher Nathan Muir said: “I think we’re seeing a definite paradigm shift, partially caused by people like me who use the phrase ‘paradigm shift’ without really knowing what it means.
“A soak in the bath used to ease people’s troubles, but between Jack Whitehall, Andy Coulson, the guy that used to run RBS and the endless procession of decomposing X Factor contestants, we’re going to need those showers they use to decontaminate people who work nuclear reactors.”
The research also found that showers were no longer more environmentally friendly than baths as people were using an enormous amount of hot water to try and wash away the thought of smug, hectoring pricks arguing about global warming.
Previous studies suggested the only reasons for prolonged showers were for characters in films to show they were troubled or when couples tried being erotic only to find there wasn’t enough room and their bums kept sticking to the shower curtain.
Nikki Hollis, a prune-skinned office worker from Carlisle, said: “I stand under the hot water until the money runs out in the electric meter but nothing seems to wash away the memory of James Corden laughing at one of his own jokes.
“And I’ve even started using the antibacterial soap surgeons use but I still feel tainted with a thin film of Twitter.”