HEALTH secretary Andrew Lansley is to sit next to hospital patients, looking at them while they sleep.
Mr Lansley has opted for a more ‘hands-on’ approach after it emerged his televised bedside message was making patients want to die.
He said: “I want to be the first thing they see when they wake up. Some of them may be alarmed to find my nose two inches from theirs, but I have been practicing a range of soothing noises in case they start to scream.
“I will say, ‘there, there, everything’s fine, it’s just me, health secretary Andrew Lansley – would you like some porridge?’.
“Then I will tell them how much I care about them and how watching them while they sleep makes me feel me closer to them, especially when I stroke their hair and sing to them.”
He added: “It also means that if they start complaining about the NHS I can punch them in the face.”
Meanwhile soldiers fighting in Afghanistan will be fitted with a shoulder harness carrying a small TV screen showing a gung-ho message from defence secretary Philip Hammond on a never-ending loop.
A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “He will start by thanking them and then give them a series of hints and tips about how to kill a Taleban when your gun stops working.
“He will then finish with a hearty rendition of God Save the Queen before lifting up his kilt like something out of Carry On Up the Khyber.”