Most churchgoers just there to steal copper off the roof

MORE people are visiting churches to steal metal than to worship, it has emerged.

A decline in God belief has corresponded with a sharp increase in the value of copper roof tiles, which has encouraged a new breed of crime-based churchgoer.

Vicar Emma Bradford said: “Although these new people mostly bring ladders and don’t actually come into the building, in these spiritually-bereft times we’ll take what we can get.

“We’ve taken to doing sermons in the middle of the night, especially for all the people  on the roof. Content-wise we steer it away from the anti-stealing stuff as we don’t want to seem judgemental.

“It does get rather wet in the church nowadays but it’s nice to be relevant again.”

Copper fan Bill McKay, who also drives a van around industrial estates trying to sell several brand new generators he accidentally bought, said: “I’ve found God through scrap metal.

“He does everything for a reason and he definitely put those copper tiles there so that they could be nicked and weighed in.

“In fact I’m fairly confident it says something in the Bible like ‘Blessed are the ladder-owners and those not scared of heights, that they might inherit my tiles.'”


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Britain prepared to forgive Grant for his films

HUGH Grant could be forgiven for his entire career if he carries on like this, experts have claimed.

Appearing before the Leveson Inquiry, the actor gave a thrilling performance, surpassing that thing he always does in those awful films that he promotes with long, boring newspaper interviews.

But yesterday the shy, bumbling prostitute commissioner continued his one man anti-sleaze crusade by dragging the Mail on Sunday into it, to the delight of millions.

Media analyst, Stephen Malley, said: “It’s a good start but he’ll still have to kick Rupert Murdoch into the path of a ravenous polar bear before he’s excused for Mickey Blue Eyes.

“I sat through Music & Lyrics on a date, just for the chance to have some mediocre sex in her poky flat surrounded by stuffed toys and self-help manuals.

“After Grant’s performance yesterday, I no longer consider watching him arse about with Drew Barrymore for two hours as the low point of the evening.”

Malley said the actor is now on course to overtake George Clooney as Most Envied Male if he continues to be rich, good-looking and call Paul Dacre a prick on the six o’clock news.

Meanwhile Grant is today recovering after the conspicuously damp-looking woman who had been sitting to his left chased him down the street and dragged him into an alley.

The Mail on Sunday last night rejected Grant’s accusations of phone hacking and said it got its story from a member of the actor’s ‘showbiz circle’, pre-empting the inquiry’s inevitable conclusion that the people who work in entertainment and the media are all scum-sucking turds who deserve each other.

The inquiry is now bracing itself for JK Rowling’s dour testimony which is expected to go on for 600 pages for no good reason.