High pay report calls for piss to be directed at wind

A REPORT into executive pay has called for a radical reform of how wind is combined with piss.

The High Pay Commission said there should be greater transparency about how much urine is being expelled as well as the strength of the accompanying breeze.

The report claims that if wind speed and piss quantities were made public then people who get paid very large amounts of money would start to feel really bad about themselves.

A spokesman said: “At that point we think it is very likely they will hand back some of the money, say sorry and give everyone a hug.

“These proposals will work as long as they are backed by the government and we can get everyone urinating in the same direction.”

A spokesman for Barclays, where the chief executive’s pay has risen by 5,000% since 1981, said: “As a modern and responsive business we would support any proposal that would enable our shareholders to stand in the middle of a field in Cornwall and go to the toilet.”

Wiping the piss from his face, business secretary Vince Cable said: “You can get a nice, even spray with a westerly breeze of 15 to 20 knots, while holding your penis at a steady 44 degrees.”

Meanwhile Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “I’ve been watching News 24 non-stop for about three years now and I’m just wondering at what point anyone is actually going to do something about anything. “



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Housing market is pretty much all we have left, admits Cameron

THE government is to boost the housing market because there really isn’t anything else to do, it has been confirmed.

David Cameron and Nick Clegg have unveiled a £400m investment to encourage new building and help first time buyers after realising Britain had long since given up on anything that was not ultimately about houses.

The prime minister said: “This package will help to reinflate the house price bubble and give mortgages to people who can’t really afford them. Unless anyone has any better ideas?

“It’s worth remembering that the only reason the British economy seemed successful in the late ’90s was because of a house price bubble and mortgages being given to people who couldn’t really afford them, so it’s not as if we’re in uncharted territory.

“This will definitely work.”

Nick Clegg added: “We calculated that if you strip the housing sector out of the British economy you’re left with some Duchy Originals marmalade and footballers paying for threesomes.

“So until such times as we actually start making things out of metal, we need to support the foundations of our pretend economy with money we don’t really have.”

Tom Logan, who has never met anyone with a real job, said: “My father’s dying words to me were ‘make sure you buy a house you can’t afford and fill it with stuff you don’t need’.

“He also told me not to listen to people who said a career in public relations is shallow and worthless. He was my hero.”