A REPORT into executive pay has called for a radical reform of how wind is combined with piss.
The High Pay Commission said there should be greater transparency about how much urine is being expelled as well as the strength of the accompanying breeze.
The report claims that if wind speed and piss quantities were made public then people who get paid very large amounts of money would start to feel really bad about themselves.
A spokesman said: “At that point we think it is very likely they will hand back some of the money, say sorry and give everyone a hug.
“These proposals will work as long as they are backed by the government and we can get everyone urinating in the same direction.”
A spokesman for Barclays, where the chief executive’s pay has risen by 5,000% since 1981, said: “As a modern and responsive business we would support any proposal that would enable our shareholders to stand in the middle of a field in Cornwall and go to the toilet.”
Wiping the piss from his face, business secretary Vince Cable said: “You can get a nice, even spray with a westerly breeze of 15 to 20 knots, while holding your penis at a steady 44 degrees.”
Meanwhile Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “I’ve been watching News 24 non-stop for about three years now and I’m just wondering at what point anyone is actually going to do something about anything. “