MOST NHS doctors and nurses are happy for you to choke on a biscuit while they play cards and watch videos, according to a new staff survey.
The research showed that less than half of all NHS staff regard patient care as a top priority, while one in four actively want to hit you with a pan.
Just over 20% said they would help an emergency case, but only if it was more interesting than the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy, currently showing in the staff lounge.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "A 63 year old-man who has had a heart attack while gardening stands little chance because the vast majority of on-call staff would regard his plight as incredibly dull.
"We found that a far higher percentage were willing to help if it was a gunshot wound or someone who had been attacked by a celebrity.
"There was also a better chance of prompt treatment for sex-related accidents and people who had rammed household objects up their back passage."
According to the survey, top priorities for NHS staff include union meetings, high-stakes poker games, frozen vodka, golf and water-skiiing.
Professor Brubaker added: "Basically, if there were four staff members around your bed and you had a seizure, one would simply wander off and two would try to help you while the other one did his best to distract them with a magic trick."