Most NHS Staff Happy To Watch You Die

MOST NHS doctors and nurses are happy for you to choke on a biscuit while they play cards and watch videos, according to a new staff survey.

The research showed that less than half of all NHS staff regard patient care as a top priority, while one in four actively want to hit you with a pan.

Just over 20% said they would help an emergency case, but only if it was more interesting than the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy, currently showing in the staff lounge.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "A 63 year old-man who has had a heart attack while gardening stands little chance because the vast majority of on-call staff would regard his plight as incredibly dull.

"We found that a far higher percentage were willing to help if it was a gunshot wound or someone who had been attacked by a celebrity.

"There was also a better chance of prompt treatment for sex-related accidents and people who had rammed household objects up their back passage."

According to the survey, top priorities for NHS staff include union meetings, high-stakes poker games, frozen vodka, golf and water-skiiing.

Professor Brubaker added: "Basically, if there were four staff members around your bed and you had a seizure, one would simply wander off and two would try to help you while the other one did his best to distract them with a magic trick."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Glastonbury Sales Down As Fans Tire Of Wallowing In Own Dung

GLASTONBURY ticket sales have slumped this year after thousands of fans decided not to pay £155 to shit in a ditch.

Music fan Tom Logan said he was giving the festival a miss as he had only just recovered from the cryptosporidium he got last year after accidentally eating infected hippie faeces.

He said: "I saw what looked like a bowl of hummus outside someone's tent and just dived in. It tasted quite authentic. I think it must have been all the lentils. I had seconds."

Nikki Hollis, 26, said she would not return because it took her six months to fully remove the caked-in dirt and stains from her intimate area after spending three days up to her armpits in mud, urine and falafel grease.

She added: "I went to a wedding in Tewksebury last summer where they had some very nice portable toilets with soap dispensers and clean towels.

"But you know the best thing? They actually flushed so I didn’t have to do my shit on top of a giant pyramid of crap left by the previous thousand occupants."

Wayne Hayes, 36, said he wouldn’t mind spending three days having to eat other people’s dirt if only the music on offer was slightly uplifting.

He said: "We’ve got drug addicted skanks and boys in too-tight trousers who think that copying their dad’s records note-for-note is the height of musical originality.

"If I am going to get amoebic dysentry again, I’d like to hear a bit of opera while I'm crapping my stomach lining into a bucket."