English Cricket Board Orders India Back To The Fields

REBEL Indian cricket promoters were last night ordered to return to their labours in the tea plantations, or feel the harsh crack of English discipline.

Oi! Ghandi! A bit more picking and a bit less sports promoting, alright?

The England and Wales Cricket Board has expressed its disgust at proposals for an international cricket league paid for by brown people and threatened to take the stick to them until they learn their lesson.

ECB vice-chairman, Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, said: "How on earth did these savages obtain so much money? Has there been a sharp rise in the price of bongo drums?

"And now they're offering this ill-gotten bongo money to our cricketers. Do they seriously believe that an Englishman plays cricket for personal gain?"

He added: "Cricket is about the rule of law, sportsmanship, manly comradery and finding new and exciting ways of protecting one's testicles.

"I have no doubt that our fine English test players will tell these grinning cricket-wallahs where to stick their hot, spicey banknotes."

But Julian Cook, a sports marketing consultant, said India had millions of eager, young cricket fans who will buy whatever they are told to.

He added: "The typical English cricket fan is very discerning, but it is rather difficult to advertise to people who are fast asleep for 22 hours a day."