New jogger doing it all wrong

A MAN who has just started jogging is doing absolutely everything wrong.

Martin Bishop took up jogging on January 2nd and has committed a litany of errors including not warming up and stopping to smoke several cigarettes along the way.

Bishop said: “I was only drunk on one occasion. And that run went pretty well, if I remember correctly.

“Though, I was very drunk so I’m not sure I remember it at all.”

Bishop also ran in hiking boots and stopped to smoke a cigar he had been given during the festive period.

He added: “I just wish someone had told me you’re not meant to inhale them as that really put the kibosh on the rest of the run.”

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Man going back to live with parents for sheer joy of their company

A 30-YEAR-OLD man has gone back to live with his parents, insisting he really enjoys their company.

Nathan Muir said: “I was going through a rough patch and I had to make the decision to just go back to live with my parents, because I really like hanging out with them, whereas my flatmates suck.

“It’s great when my mum calls me from downstairs and yells things unintelligibly. It’s one of the small joys of life.

“Breakfast with my dad while he asks me if I’ve found work? Count me in. You only get one dad, so you better cherish those moments.”

He added: “Also, I’m a bit too embarrassed to bring a girl home after a night out. So I’ve stopped having sex and my life is a lot easier now. It’s just fantastic.”