Older drinkers going to die soon anyway

DRINKERS aged over 65 have reminded the government that they are going to die quite soon whatever they do.

After health officials advised him to drink fewer pints, 78-year-old Tom Logan said: “You may have heard of something called a life span.

“As I reach the end of mine, I cannot think of any compelling reason to drink less. I know a couple of people in their nineties and trust me, being that old is absolutely terrible.

“Also what else am I going to do with my time – a free course in basic internet skills at my local library?

“Frankly I’d rather sit at this bar looking red and moody.”

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Age at which it is socially acceptable to smoke cannabis raised to 52

THE social stigma against smoking pot into middle age has been officially lifted.

It had previously been deemed unacceptable to smoke weed beyond 30, at which point most people stop doing drugs altogether or just have a few self-conscious lines of cocaine at aspirational dinner parties.

Government drugs advisor Tom Booker said: “While cannabis will remain illegal – for what that’s worth – it’s time to stop ostracising older smokers as ‘hippies’, ‘weird uncles’ and ‘people who never got their shit together’.

“Cannabis can be part of a functional middle-aged lifestyle, particularly if you do a lot of things that involve sitting very still, like fishing or watching the snooker.”

42-year-old pothead Julian Cook said: “This is wonderful news.

“My wife finds my weed smoking embarrassing. She says it robs me of my ambition, but I’m the senior partner in a mid-sized accountancy firm – how much ambition does she want?

“It’s just a social conditioning thing, she consumes Merlot like it’s going out of fashion but I can’t have a bifter because we’re ‘not at college now’.

“She even comes into the spare room when I’m smoking a naughty and opens the windows in a passive-aggressive manner.

“Also she keeps hiding my Santana LPs because she thinks we should listen to tepid singer-songwriters and sexy violinists, ‘like normal people do’.”